Want to know how sensitive I am??
I’m down to 2.5mg of Lexapro, stepping down from 10mg in a month.
And in the last two days, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches sound gross.
Just like that, I don’t want them anymore. After literally having one every day for months. And I just want less food in general.
And my body isn’t demanding mandatory naps anymore. And my tooth pain is gone.
But I’m still filled with a sense of giving up. That I need to surrender to the sadness of life. That my life was just about enduring and surviving and the likelihood that it will get better is low. I feel like I exist to pay off some cosmic debt or something. Whenever I am given something good, it is taken away very quickly. I feel like the universe is fucking with me, teasing me, torturing me.
I also have been craving total isolation.
I did everything I could to reject what was happening to me. I leaned heavily on escapism, carbs, alcohol and my amazing ability to disassociate completely. I am a MASTER of leaving my body and getting a private tour of Disneyland, I would live in a memory, a made up place. My imagination is SO vivid… sounds, smells, other people talking. I was able to experience it all. And I’ve done this since I can remember. And now I realize it was all a coping mechanism. I rarely felt safe, so I drifted off into a magical realm where anything was possible.
I’m finding it harder to drift into magical fantasy worlds now.
I’ve accepted reality and I finally realize that my disassociating is why I got myself into horrible situations. It was a good coping mechanism back when I was a kid, but now I need to stay present.
I don’t want to admit it, but I think I’m depressed. I’m hoping it will go away, or I’ll get back into running and the endorphins will come back and work their magic. But, I know this is depression now. But this honestly feels better than whatever I was dealing with last year that prompted the Lexapro.
That was Godzilla, this feels like a baby alligator that likes to cry a lot and wants cheese. Maybe I can tame it.
