I go over over again in my head, do I even want a man, do I even want a partner?
My brain has been cataloging ex boyfriends in my dreams. Bringing them into the future one by one to see how it would go. Each episode is a disaster as I re-live every miscommunication, every time he stepped on my feelings, every time he did something stupid and thoughtless. But now he’s middle aged. But like, still immature. The only difference is that I’m more aware of it and it makes me want to run away instead of love him harder. Progress!
Each day that goes by and I’m living on my own, I’m getting more comfortable with the idea of not having a partner. The ease at which life flows now compared to the every day thankless slog of torture with my ex husband is telling me that being alone might be where I land.
But I wanted to catalog all this, because that’s what I do.
Here are the moments, thoughts and experiences I’ve had that have made me pause and say “I wish I had a man”:
- Battery Emergencies: On Valentine’s Day last year, the smoke detectors started to chirp which sent my dog into absolute fits. I threw her in the car and drove to the grocery store at 6:30am. The store was filled with men scrambling to get roses and chocolates. It was a sea of men, roses and me in my pajamas buying $60 worth of 9 volt batteries. And I laughed at the self checkout… this was one of the ONLY things my ex husband did. He changed these damn batteries. For it to be an emergency, on Valentine’s Day, the day he always skipped, was sheer poetry. So, February 14th will always be Happy 9V Battery Day to me. Get me batteries, not roses. (I also didn’t get a cake or gifts on my birthday until we were almost separated and we never did Christmas gifts. He claimed it was too stressful, so I just let it go.)
- Home Improvement: I’ve been working on nesting in my rental. My ex hated home projects and he despised anything in the yard. He would run and hide in the bathroom if I was cleaning. He very rarely helped me do anything. So, I often find myself fantasizing about doing projects around the house with a man who is into it. He wants to invest in our home, do it with me, pick out flowers and such with me. And we flirt the whole time we’re both working on it… and at the end we sit and enjoy the beauty of it together. With pride and a sense of connected collaboration. I fantasize about this a LOT. I’ve never had it and I really hope to experience this someday.
- Sex: I’ll only miss the sex with Jim. That’s it. And I’m being so candid right now. It was rare because it was emotionally-driven. To have that again means an emotional investment and him willing to spend the time connecting. Most men don’t want to do that. Heck, Jim doesn’t even want to do that anymore. So, to find someone who wants to connect, will continue to connect and will value that connection? It feels impossible. I do not want casual sex. I want that connection. And it doesn’t have to be emotionally driven every single time, but the emotionality is the bedrock, the foundation. Most men roll their eyes when you say this or lie that they get it. So, this right here is where I think my desire for partnership will die. I refuse to give my body to a man who won’t fully see me. I will NEVER do that again.
- Cooking: Having someone to make and share a meal with sounds so wonderful. My ex didn’t cook or clean. He may have grated cheese for me, but that’s it. So, I’m missing something I only had with Jim, again.
- Emergencies: If I had some sort of emergency, it would be nice for a man to give a fuck and be available to help me or take care of the dog or whatever. It would be nice if there was a man who was also worried about my biopsy call, someone who would cry with me when my best friend died or even go with me to the funeral. My ex never did any of this. So, this is also a fantasy.
- Home Elf: Someone to call and ask “Did I leave the stove on?” or “Did I leave the garage open?”
- Taking out the trash? Although, not a big deal. I don’t mind doing it.
- Adventures: Someone to take road trips with and vacations with. I will admit, road trips with my ex husband were a lot of fun. However, I had to drag him out of bed and be the first shift in the mornings because it took him hours to wake up. And I had to load and unload the car at every stop because he hated labor. He handled the dog. But the conversation was wonderful. He let me pick the music. He was easy when it came to picking a hotel and food, we would agree on the selections which was nice.
- Holidays and starting traditions together. Our own sort of mini culture.
- Shit. That’s all I can think of.
So, these would be my pros. The positive aspects of being with a man. Just that. And I didn’t have most of it with my ex husband. So… I have lived without it for a long time. I didn’t have any of that, but I had the labor and disappointment to keep me warm. Oh, and his demands.
And here are the less tangible things I never had:
- Emotional maturity and emotional intimacy
- A respect for the feminine in general
- Listening to me and caring about what I have to say
- Respect for me
- Has worked on his triggers, as I have, so we can have a normal conversation and communication that is productive.
- Equality – Meaning, there’s not a program running where he is constantly and subtly trying to subvert or control me all the time because he has some desire to be in a hierarchy that I didn’t sign up for.
- A man who cares about his health and teeth
- A man who knows how to fix things
- A man who respects and manages money well
I’m out of my mind, I know! I’m living in delusion-town.
I really don’t think this man exists. Or he’s so so super rare and he’s married because a woman would never let him go.
So, unless this comes bounding into my life… I may be experiencing this mess solo.
I wonder if I can hire a man to be my buddy and do home improvement projects with me? A surrogate husband? Just someone to laugh with and scare off the snakes.
