In the late 1990’s, I went on Wellbutrin after a breakup with someone I was with for 5 years. It made me dizzy and edgy, so I got off of it pretty quickly and I never wanted to try another antidepressant again.
In early 2024, while picking up the dog from my soon to be ex, he announced that he was starting the divorce proceedings, that he was keeping the house, had changed the locks and he said, in the most sinister voice I’ve ever heard come out of him “I think you’ll be very, very happy with what I’m offering. It’s a lot of money.”
I drove back to my rental and was bawling. I couldn’t put my finger on why, exactly, but I was a complete mess.
About 2 weeks later, I was doing my usual 6 mile walk/jog and I had a panic attack. It was so bad that I took myself to urgent care. I didn’t know what was going on with me. I mentioned being scared that I would harm myself because I’d never felt so disassociated in my life, and they made me go to the ER. What a humiliating experience. They took everything away from me and had me on observation while they got some dude on zoom to assess me. I don’t think he’d ever done it before.
It took a few weeks to talk to a psychiatrist and she put me on a benign anti-anxiety medication. It helped a little bit, but it felt more like a placebo, really.
I felt unsafe. I felt completely exposed. I can’t explain it other than panic all the time. I was so overwhelmed with anxiety and the only thing that helped was walking and running. But I just couldn’t keep it together.
My ex made me an offer to buy out the house. It was a huge insult. In order to get a proper appraisal I had to get into the house and I cleaned it top to bottom and did a dozen minor repairs. He had gone full hoarder and was building big, electronic things in the living room and kitchen, he had purchased all sorts of music equipment and it was spilling into every single room of our gorgeous 3600 square foot house. Every single fork, knife and spoon we owned was dirty in the sink. Not one toilet or surface had been cleaned in over a year. The house was completely disgusting, the energy was dark and it smelled so bad, like a rarely used musty lake house. I realized after a day or two that I was going to need help, so I hired a crew for $1000. It took 3 women 6 hours to clean AFTER I had cleaned for 4 days prior. They asked me if the house had been abandoned.
At the end of this mess, the appraisal showed he had undercut me by at least $60,000.
At this point, we were using attorneys. Every time I refreshed my email I had a mini panic attack. I felt like the dog every time she heard a smoke detector beep. Sheer panic, urge to run away. I hated dealing with it.
In the meantime, I had begged my mom to come out and stay with me. Just to hang out, watch movies and be supportive. I even said “I just want my mommy”. She had no idea what to do with that.
A few months later, she came out. But she was not supportive, she was cold, wouldn’t comfort me, she wanted to drive 4 hours away and meet up with a distant cousin in the mountains. I was so upset. I didn’t feel comfortable driving anywhere, I didn’t have the money to fix my car if something went wrong. I didn’t have the money for a hotel, I was not in the right frame of mind to go on any sort of adventure.
She was annoyed that I didn’t want to do this and she started her usual guilt trip. This sent me over the edge. I was reminded of how she didn’t support me at all in that breakup in 1999 and how over the course of my life, I had never mattered to her. At all. It finally dawned on me that half of this was the divorce, but the other half was the lack of support I was getting.
I called my doctor and immediately got on Lexapro.
After a month ramping up to the recommended 10mg, I felt like a completely different human. The anxiety was gone.
Imagine seeing something very, very sad and you can feel that crying energy push up the back of your neck into your head. That stopped. When I would start to feel upset or like I was going to be emotional, it would stop before reaching my brain. It was fantastic, it felt artificial, but I wasn’t getting the adrenaline spikes, the meltdowns, the uncontrollable crying. It was over. It was a huge relief.
Then I started processing all the issues in my life going back to childhood. One by one each episode, every time I was abandoned, every time the outcome was not in my favor, every time I was physically injured due to neglect, every time I let someone off the hook for crushing my soul… all of it came back. And I processed it neutrally. It was the most liberating time of my life.
Finally, I wanted to protect myself. Finally, I saw the truth, the reality, the sugar coating was gone. I was surrounded by narcissistic people, selfish people, people who used me. People who abandoned me, mocked me, turned their back on me.
And I fucking let them.
And I realized, all the trauma, all the stress in my life was because I never felt safe. I never felt like anyone important in my life was selfless enough to care about my safety. I’m not talking about whether they cared if I liked ponies, or got into my college of choice or met George Clooney… they didn’t care if I was safe. They didn’t care about my well being.
Non-Lexapro me would probably would have gone into a huge pity parade based on this information. A meltdown that lasted days. But the medicated me said… fine. Then they don’t get access to me. They don’t get to be in my life.
That cut and dry. Just that easy. Bam. Miracles do happen.
I was cataloging all the injustices in my life, handling them very well. Writing everything down. In awe at how I was handling it. Nothing was emotionally charged. Nothing was making me upset. I felt so completely, utterly free.
Then the fatigue came. 3 months into taking Lexapro I was so tired that I would sleep 12 hours at night and take a 4 hour nap every day. I stopped walking because I didn’t have the energy. I gained 30 pounds. It was so shitty that I was suffering physically while my brain was a super computer.
So all I did was sleep, work and eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. PB&J will be the symbol of this time in my life for me. Cravings for other foods disappeared. I was buying peanut butter jars in crates of 6.
There is also the possibility that the fatigue and lack of energy had to do with finally feeling safe after 45 years. That I was having a Nervous System Shutdown or a Dorsal Vagal Shutdown. It’s when you can finally relax after decades of swimming in stress hormones, chronic fight or flight energy. This felt true to me, but I also believed that I should get off the medication.
I have an appointment today with my doctor to learn how to taper off the Lexapro. I really do want to move on.
But I will forever be grateful for how it helped me. How it gave me a map to get out of my abyss of sadness and hopelessness. I would recommend it to anyone who feels cornered by despair or trapped to your own emotions. Really and truly, once you get the anxiety to calm and you feel safe, you can finally start processing everything. I thought I could process all of this on my own, but it turns out I needed the help. I was SO reluctant.
I was a huge skeptic, but I’m not anymore.
