I’m trying desperately to figure out why I feel so depressed. I’m safe, I have everything I need, the divorce is weeks away from being over.
Why do I feel like I’m frozen? Why do I have no motivation and feel like life is not for me anymore? I feel like an alien stranded on a foreign planet and if I ask for help, they won’t understand me.
Here’s a new disorder called Ongoing Traumatic Stress Disorder to explore that could explain this! Let’s take a look together:
- Your body and mind are stuck in survival mode because the danger has never fully passed.
- It shows up in people who are experiencing domestic abuse that hasn’t ended
- Enduring long-term emotional or physical abuse like childhood neglect or spousal abuse ✅
- Living in extreme poverty, unsafe environments or oppressive conditions where they are constantly vulnerable (childhood ✅)
- Survivors of systemic oppression or discrimination where threats are repeated or unavoidable
Symptoms look like CPTSD – however, with OTSD, the nervous system can’t even try to heal because it’s preparing for the next hit. (✅ but it’s sort of in my head. I’ve been navigating this shit for SO long that I’m hyper vigilant that papa Universe is going to take the belt to me again)
Common signs include:
- Chronic anxiety and dread – anticipating something bad happening ✅
- Exhaustion and burnout because your body has been stuck in fight or flight mode for months or years ✅
- Difficulty in trusting people, even in seemingly safe environments ✅
- Trouble relaxing, sleeping or feeling joy without guilt
- Feelings of helplessness or being “trapped” in a bad situation ✅
- Very sensitive startle reflex, irritability and emotional overwhelm ✅✅
How is this different from CTPSD?
“Ongoing” which is self explanatory, but it can just be that you can’t relax enough to start healing.
And then there’s this instinct I have that more bullshit is heading for me from my ex. Like this isn’t over. He’s going to try to fuck me more than he already has and he’s planning it right now. That’s what it feels like. That someone is crafting a plan to screw me over and I’m beyond stupid to trust that everything is ok on on track. And I should be more prepared. That’s what all of this feels like. (This is why I have this blog, because as I type, the truth comes out)
I have been putting down boundaries with all the key players in my life and one by one they are rejecting and abandoning me or worse, retaliating. I think that’s a reason to not want to leave my living room, currently.
I’m scared to become a strong person, to continue putting up boundaries. So far, it has fucked me.
I met a woo woo lady on Tiktok and she said that I’m basically birthing myself. I’m becoming a whole new person. The person I was has died, I’m mourning that, and now I need to figure out who I am going to be. I’m in labor. I’m stuck.
I asked if there was spiritual Pitocin that can speed this process up?
Not really. You just have to let the process happen.
I guess I was living a life built around survival and now I’m shedding that old life to build a life that is for THRIVING. And I’m stuck. I’m still ruminating on the stories that I was told about my worth (labor, compliance, adopting their beliefs, giving my body) and everything I did to survive, many of which I’m ashamed of. It’s all changing and I’m fighting it. So, I need to surrender and trust that my soul knows what it’s doing.
So, stalled self birth or not able to move on because my gut thinks more shitty shenanigans are on the horizon?
