There’s a myth that menopause makes women hate men and lose interest in sex. And these women become the lonely, crazy cat ladies.
I don’t know, man… I’m in the unpredictable peri part and my libido is curiously active. It’s concerning me, frankly. Especially with the Lexapro out of my system… I’m ready to go, more than ever, I’m ready to GO.
When my ex wanted to get some, he’d extend his pointer finger and boop me in the vagina while also saying “boop”. Then he’d go cut his finger nails and put on some porn. This was his foreplay. Does that not SCREAM “I don’t give a FUCK about your needs and desires???”
(And ladies, he’s single!)
So, my desire to put out dropped down to zero. My ex told me I was broken and to get my hormones looked at as he stomped around the house repeating it. And I believed him that it must be my hormones, the booping and the clipping had nothing to do with it. I didn’t understand that me not wanting to be with him was my body protecting me from the sheer ICK.
It wasn’t that the estrogen dipped and suddenly I don’t want men, it’s that I’ve been emotionally neglected, sexually ignored, dismissed or turned into a caregiver for DECADES and now I don’t want to be with him because EWWW.
He sexualized me without knowing anything about me. AND acted like I owed him, that my vagina was his property. So, again, why in the hell would I be like, sure, here are the keys to my kingdom, have at it man-who-doesn’t-respect-me.
What an estrogen dip can do is lower our tolerance for this nonsense. Our self respect rises and we finally have clarity around our situation. No more booping! So, we are becoming ourselves. When the tolerance dries up, we wake up in this hell and start assessing. We no longer want to sacrifice ourselves for NOTHING. (Which is a huge reason men want to marry us… because we sacrifice ourselves over and over and over again).
Menopause doesn’t kill libido, misery does.
I never felt safe, seen or appreciated. I was miserable. And I voiced that misery in a low whisper because it was confusing. I was confused by this overwhelming sense of wanting to run away. For two decades I had tolerated being neglected and used, but slowly, surely, the march towards wanting respect bubbled up inside of me.
But he wouldn’t have it. I either go back to the happy little servant who accepts boops, or there is the door. He was not going to soften, help, offer solutions, stay in therapy or ADMIT that he had been a selfish wanker for all this time. Nope. He was right, I was wrong, I was a bad wife, there’s the door.
Men mock menopausal women openly, believing they can just shame women back into their roles.
Meanwhile these women are looking around and saying “OMG, I was living THIS life? With YOU? We need to change this like, yesterday.” And these man babies say, no, no way… because, let’s face it, it was GOOD for them. They loved being the center of the universe with the compliant wife just smiling and nodding. This is why they want a younger model. This is why they bitch and moan about us changing… because they REFUSE to change, they refuse to participate and they are SO selfish that they will just blame you for wanting respect now.
It’s infuriating, but also, freeing. I know now that he only liked the lobotomized version of me and he didn’t like me enough to grow with me, to help me make our shitty one sided marriage more tolerable for me. He just wanted his servant back. Fucking asshole.
I Can’t be a Sex Kitten While Also Being a Caregiver…
Once every 5-6 weeks I have a spark of an idea… I should find a boyfriend! And I feed it energy and I’m sorely disappointed immediately.
Sure, my libido is very healthy right now, but I don’t want fast food sex. Performative intimacy. I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t adore me. That feels like my marriage. Fake and one sided. I did that. I performed. I wasn’t loved. I’m so over it.
I want a deep connection, a sense that he loves me, wants to protect me and values me. I want to be human, not a need-filler.
And to do that I would have to understand who is authentic, put down boundaries to figure out who respects me, gauge if they are trustworthy and put in months, if not years of effort to determine if this person was honestly worth my time. And as it turns out, only about 5% of available men are emotionally mature, have woken up, respect women, are introspective and open to repair instead of just getting defensive. ONLY 5%.*
And I don’t want to be a caregiver/mommy ever ever EVER again.
My ex wanted me to wipe his ass, blow his nose and then throw on a teddy and ride him like a pony. On what planet…
And having to explain this was embarrassing. This should be obvious. And why would he be okay with any of it? So many men are okay with this, mine even begged for it, but then women are lectured about NOT getting into the caregiving role. But you drop into mommy mode because he’s so pathetic… and then have no idea why you don’t want to sleep with him. You don’t understand the connection until it’s way too late. It’s such a mind fuck.
I’m still mourning the loss of Jim and I hate myself for that relationship on so many levels. I really trusted him. I really thought we had something special. But it wasn’t. He just stopped showing up for me the moment I truly needed him. Maybe that was supposed to be my last encounter with a man? Maybe.
I rolled out of bed this morning, grateful that there wasn’t anyone there… then I had my coffee, grateful that I didn’t have to make any for anyone else. Then I started my day, grateful that I didn’t have to check in with anyone to make sure they didn’t feel neglected and that they woke up without dying or whatever. And I already know what I’m having for dinner, and it won’t have to be fancy (my ex would complain about lack of side dishes, like I was a fucking cracker barrel) and there are no funky smells, no extra messes, no extra laundry to do. I say all this and realize I never had a good man, so maybe I don’t know what I’m missing. But right now, I’m sitting in the living room of my little rental, with a bird feverishly pecking on the window wanting me to refill the bird feeder… and I realized, that’s a metaphor for my ex husband. Always trying to get my attention in a panicked way, for nothing. Just because he thought I was his mother. Always “mom, mom, mom, mommmmmmmm” in my direction. Jesus Christ.
Is it possible to get a part time boyfriend who honestly likes you, honestly respects you, listens to you without judgement, honestly sees you as pretty neat, who is monogamous with you and will jump at the chance to fulfill your fantasies?
Probably not. And I think I may be honestly coming to terms with it. Being alone isn’t that bad.
But once a month or so… I’m sad for 2 days. But that’s only 24 out of 365 days a year or 6.57% of my life that I truly want a man.
So I may die alone with animals. But I’m sort of proud of that. I earned that.
*Some math:
- So, 35% of men are emotionally intelligent, according to Lord Gottman.
- 25% of men have avoidant attachment style
- another 15-20% have mixed/dismissive tendencies
- That leaves 50-55% of men who MIGHT be emotionally available
- so 35% of emotionally intelligent x 50% emotionally available = 17.5% of men worth dating
- Research shows that only about 40% of men (especially post divorce or midlife) are looking for committed partnerships (most seek casual, low effort or no strings relationships) So with that filter 17.5% x 40% = 7%
- Add life factors, proximity, age compatibility, shared values etc and that cuts that down in half 7% x 50% = 3.5%
Fortunately, these 3.5% -5% of men are actively LOOKING for a partner, so that’s good news… but may the force be with you or whatever.
