This is a mental health check in, of sorts.
Almost to year 2 of living on my own for the first time in my life.
I’m finding that I’m fairly cheap, thrifty, I only eat when I want to, I consume less in general (paper towels etc) I throw out one bag of trash a week compared to the 4 or 5 with him.
Less chores, less mess, not having to consider him all day every day. No more checking to see if he needs me to buy him anything (I would have to check the cupboards, NEVER ask him), no more house walk throughs in general to see where the thermostats are, how the laundry is looking, what is going on with the trash or fridge situation. I know how I left it all and don’t need to pick up and check on someone else. My chronic stomach issues have gone away. I can finally sleep all night (no snoring).
I’m at 5mg a day of Lexapro. Down from 10mg. I am going down 2.5mg every 7-10 days. I already don’t need to nap as much and I’m starting to feel the feelings that were dulled before. But I can manage them now. I have no idea how, but I can. I also started taking a low dose of Zyrtec because of allergies and I read that it can help with perimenopausal, PMS or PMDD symptoms because of the histamine intolerance. Could be placebo, but thought I’d give it a try for a couple of weeks. It’s definitely helped with the pressure in my sinuses. I have had tight muscles and major tooth and face pain because of clenching my jaw 24/7. That’s a Lexapro side effect, so I’m glad the face pain will theoretically subside.
On the bittersweet to negative side to this:
- I have *access* to less money. No doubt about that. But I’m also spending less. I eat out less, I don’t even miss it. I use less soap. I drive less. I don’t need any streaming services besides music and audible. I open more windows instead of cranking the AC. I wash my sheets less because his bi-monthly showers aren’t a thing anymore. Don’t have to buy birth control anymore. My car insurance costs 1/3rd of what it did. So, I’m spending less. But I don’t have a savings currently. And a major car repair, dental thing etc absolutely wipes me out for 3 months. I have no buffer. Especially because he maxed out one of my credit cards and I’m waiting to get that money. He left me in a shitty financial spot. But I will get caught up. I will figure this out. I’m working a LOT less since I’m dealing with big emotional things so once I can turn that corner, I know my income will go up.
- I had some nasty panic attacks last summer which led to me falling apart and getting on Lexapro. It took 1-3 months for me to finally feel safe. Safety in a way I have never encountered in my life. Apparently this is very common and you should expect a crash to come in at this point. I was able to finally evaluate my situation with clear eyes. Trauma impairs your common sense and ability to see the truth. I had been in fight or flight for so long that I couldn’t engage or confront my truth. And that truth was that he was emotionally abusive. Possibly a narcissist. But he didn’t care about me, at all, and I was fighting to be heard, seen, valued and loved for 23+ years. But the worst part was the sex. I was having sex I didn’t want to have. I was used. I let it happen because he was my husband and I thought I owed him OR that I’d maybe get into it OR he’d be nicer the next day so it would be worth it. This is where the bulk of my shame and flashbacks/trauma and anxiety is stemming from. Being taken advantage of, sexually. The whole package, the entirety of it… not being respected, not being cared about, being seen as subhuman AND being naked and vulnerable with him?!??? I can barely stand even thinking about it now, I am so, utterly disgusted and angry. Processing this anger has been really, really tough. I am so angry at myself and I hate him. I have never hated anyone before, but I hate him so passionately. He hurt me SO deeply, he is a terrible, awful person. Maybe it’s only to women, maybe it’s only to me… but he was a horrible, awful person to me and I pretended it was OK. And dealing with the aftermath of this has been depleting.
- Realizing my childhood trauma now, too, and that has been another blow to my healing. So really and truly, once you get settled, get ready to tackle ALL the things you pushed down. ALL the bullshit you dismissed, absorbed and gallantly claimed you could handle on your own. It will come back, you will have to face it. Stock up and get ready to hunker down and fight it all. You will lose friends, you will see a HUGE change in your entire world. Be prepared. Take it a day at a time.
- I gained weight. I’m so mad about this. Feeling scared, anxious, doing all the hard work, being completely exhausted and only wanting to eat carbs really fucked with my weight loss journey. The Lexapro didn’t help either. And apparently, weight gain at this stage of the game is considered walling up or putting on an armor, and it’s very, very common. Go easy on yourself. Oh, and stress hormones like cortisol make you puffy and slow your metabolism. Just please give yourself grace.
- The stress of the divorce, in general, has been SO hard to deal with.
- I self isolated. There are a few people I would actually like to hang out with and talk to, but I have pushed them away. I don’t like who I am right now and my obsession on clawing my way out of this has been all consuming. Selfish. So, I let them be. When they do reach out, it’s tremendously sweet. So, if you have a friend dealing with this… send them a hello or a funny meme, that’s really all we want.
So the goal is to slowly start moving, doing more work, get out into the world.
I know for a fact when the divorce is final, a lot of this anxiety and anger will go away. I just don’t want to be tied to him anymore. I don’t want his name, to hear his name or say his name, to have any liability tied to him, I don’t want to wait on him to sign things. I just want to be free of him now. Like it was just a long, bad nightmare.
Slowly swimming through the sludge, hoping to find a soft place to land.
My attorney just contacted me and at first, no scary feelings, no emotional upheaval. But as I sit here, thinking about him, them sending over the paperwork, she said that I finally signed something this week when it was actually 9 days ago, I just start getting angry. Triggered. My trigger is not being heard so here we are. And every week that goes by is another $100+ interest on that f*%king credit card he put the balance on. I have to actively tell myself that I’m ok and that it will be over soon. THIS is why I am self isolating. This right here. I get so angry and coming down from these little moments takes me at least 30 minutes. And how do I do that? I eat something and do some light work, or some cleaning, listen to music or take the dog for a walk. I may even take a Buspirone if I can’t calm down, but it rarely gets that bad. I like to have those on hand, an “in case of emergency break glass” sort of thing. I’m still SO surprised at the amount of anxiety that springs forth from the legal process of this. It’s hard to describe, so hard to deal with and it’s so embarrassing.
Oh, one other thing that gets me going… driving around our city. If I get within 3 miles of our house or somewhere I know he frequents, I start getting anxious. I’ve seen him about 3 times and wow, how I see him is SO different. He looks like a sickly porcelain doll from the early 1900’s. Pale with painted on features. I see him as unreal, as a scary cartoon character. I can’t describe it. I’m SO disgusted by anything that has to do with him, I just don’t want to see him or hear him or anything else like that.
Lastly, I’m considering moving. I’m not sure where I’ll go, but I don’t want to be anywhere near this man. My business is semi-portable so maybe I can go to the beach or a different state or back to my home state (although housing starts at 2x what I pay now, so that might be a NO). I want to buy a house, but that might not be in the cards. But I do have mobility so maybe I go where the wind takes me, which is far far away from him. I just crave safety and a quiet, soft life. I know that is impossible, but I’m going to make damn sure I get as close to that as possible.
