Not being heard is my absolute BIGGEST trigger.
To feel ignored or someone is hand wavy about my intensity or desire to convey something is agony.
It makes me feel less than, stupid, dramatic, the epitome of that histrionic female that everyone walks away from. I’ve always been expressive, larger than life, intensely creative, intense in general. My dreams, my visions, my art, the way I express myself is RICH in metaphor, chaotic, colorful, bouncy, almost manic, immersive and very very human.
And surprise, I’ve been tethering myself to people who don’t get it, don’t respect it, repress it, ignore it, downplay it or tell me it’s annoying. Probably because I agreed with them. I believed I was too much and that it was completely unattractive and I was chronically gauche, so I wanted them to punish me, put me in line, shut me up. I believed I needed to be tethered in.
HOWEVER, every single one of these folks use my energy, crave it, thrive in it, succeed because of it, see life as more beautiful because I would insist it. And these people seek me out when they are having a bad day, need validation or need some sparkle or creative inspiration. And the men used to seek me out because they liked my intensity… until they didn’t anymore. I know for a fact that I have helped countless people advance in their careers, start businesses, sparked creative joy, gave them a sense of belonging, made them feel seen, made them feel important, handsome, beautiful… I mirrored back the BEST in these people and I did it with sincerity, because everyone deserves to know they are oozing with goodness and gifts.
I rarely got that back. And I was okay with it until my ex husband and a few others told me that I OWED them my good energy and they owed me nothing. Not even respect. This includes my own mother.
So, what do I do with this?
I enjoy pouring into, I enjoy holding space, I enjoy initiating deep conversations, watching people come out of their shells and pursue joy. I love it SO MUCH. I would take people to Disneyland JUST to see their reactions. I just love it so much.
But then they don’t reciprocate, when they don’t give any of that back… it’s sad. And I guess I have to recognize that only a small percentage of people are capable of that and maybe I go on the quintessential hero’s journey to find them?
I guess I don’t mind if acquaintances or surface level friends don’t give back… but a parent or my spouse? ick. Especially the spouse who used my body as a playground and he never you know, maintained that playground.
Anyway, back to the initial thoughts about not being heard is my trigger…
I had an opportunity to be heard yesterday. I hadn’t been heard on 3 things in my divorce and it was eating me alive. I thought I would NEVER get the opportunity to speak my mind, get it out there, to have any sort of closure.
But I finally, years later, got that opportunity when I had to address something in an email. There was a perfect place for me to state some truths that nobody had known before.
It felt AMAZING. I had a great day yesterday because I was able to say those things. It gave me hope. Hope that if I just have patience, I’ll finally get to tell my story to someone who will listen and be there with me because they want to.
Yes, something as simple as stating some facts in an email did this.
It won’t change the outcome, it won’t get me more money, it won’t do anything at all other than be out there. Exist in an email. Be read by someone who HAS to read it.
I guess I’m extending this hope to you… don’t completely give up because it’s possible an opportunity to finally be heard will come along, even many years later. Maybe that’s naive, but… yesterday felt amazing and it was totally unexpected.
