When I realized that I might want to leave, I first told my favorite neighbor. Gave her all the details. Her reaction was so disappointing. “You knew what your married. You cannot get a man to change, you should know that. Why would you want to leave this lifestyle?” She was physically abused by her first husband, so I was so sad that she was essentially blaming me for this.
So, she was the first one to go. She was the first one I stopped talking to. But she also told me that she was going to “side with” him because he was going to remain their neighbor and I wasn’t, so it forced my hand.
That really hurt.
I valued that friendship. I made it more than what it was. I told her first because I was going to miss her so deeply, I loved her so much. She felt like a sister to me. And she didn’t even sit and cry with me. She wouldn’t listen to me. It was fake. All fake. I realized in a split second that I had projected love, thoughtfulness, authenticity and light onto people who I shouldn’t have. In this moment, I realized that not only had I faked out my entire childhood safety net to feel safe, I did the same in present day. And I needed to take stock of this and make it right. See the reality. Mourn it and send it on its way.
It sounds sort of superficial… but it’s not. I just wanted to know who was there because it was convenient or because of proximity and who really, truly wanted to be in my life.
Some friends proclaimed loudly that they chose me and never liked him. It’s not that I wanted that sort of response, but… but… I have mixed feelings about it, truthfully. I just wanted to be heard. I just wanted support. I wanted to feel safe within a group of friends and it wasn’t really happening. And it was breaking my heart.
My mom and a few key friends refused to unfriend him and his family on Facebook. Friends I had known for a very long time. My mom was updating me on his vacations, his family. Things I didn’t want to know. She would even hint that maybe I should try to go back to him. I felt truly, utterly invisible to her. This all made healing even harder. I had to mourn the loss of my mom in a way. I couldn’t rely or depend on her and I needed to come to terms with that, too.
So, the day came where I deleted all my personal social media. It hurt for about a week and now I don’t miss anyone.
I feel so free. It was all so superficial. A facade. A place to get cheap validation. And I don’t need that anymore. I’m surprised at how little I miss it.
I stripped them of any power they had over me and it feels absolutely wonderful. And guess what? The universe has already sent me a truly authentic, sweet friend to make up for the loss. She has made it so much easier to let go. And she has never had a Facebook account.
Once the divorce is final, I will block most of these people in my phone, too.
I reclaim my energy. My life. I’m starting over.
