From this gentle observer, from the outside looking in… your attachment style is based on how your parents treated you, your trauma or how your current partner is treating you. And, maybe it could change depending on the partner.
So, let’s say you are anxiously attached and they are avoidant. They tell the anxious to give the avoidant space because intimacy scares them and you are smothering them.
It’s like this chase with no end. A circle for all of eternity. Tom and Jerry.
You got one person begging for closeness and the other one running away. And who do the therapists and countless books focus on? The sensitive one who wants closeness, because that’s the one in the relationship that actually gives a fuck. They want you to close the gap by becoming secure, battling your demons, working on your childhood wounds and trauma and then suddenly, the avoidant will come closer to you as you need them less. They won’t heal a damn thing, they’ll just feel like you aren’t chasing them and calm down and maybe… you’ll meet in the middle.
This is assuming the avoidant even likes you. Are they avoiding you but endlessly in love with you or are they avoiding you because, really, they don’t like you. Figure it out or just gamble your emotional well being on the whole thing.
What a pain in the ass.
I guess if that person is just that awesome, you can jump through all those flaming hoops to appease them. Cull your needs, do the hard work, stand firm in your new high self esteem and self validation. But honestly, we hope you find someone who won’t run for the hills when you ask for closeness, good God.
It makes sense that they would say:
“Hey avoidant guy, you go on being avoidant. We SEE you and you just wait right there, don’t change a THING!”
“Hey anxiously attached. YOU are broken, YOU need to do some work. YOU can speak the language so you must do everything. You must address your issues, your fears, your insecurities!”
“Stay right there avoidant, we’ll get you a sandwich.”
And you know what that sounds like? Marriage counseling. They put all the work on the one who can speak emotion-ese. The unevolved one just gets to eat a sandwich. I’m not kidding. It’s the entire premise of the book, Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. Ladies, you are communicating TOO much, and when you get frustrated after, I don’t know, years upon years of this, you get kind of mean. Solution? Dumb it down, cinch it up and approach us with baby talk like your man is a sensitive little baby boy.
I shit you not.
Want a horrified chuckle? Check out this book review on it.
My ex listened and said all the right things… the author was a scammer, they put all the work on the women blah blah blah. But not a week later, he was sending me a picture of a crying little boy and said “this is MEEEE! I am this boy! I just want love! I want you to replace my mommmmmm. You may have seen me as a bombastic trial attorney by the way I treat you, but I’m just a tiny little boy inside wanting love from his mommy. Also, take off you pants.”
I added the pants part, but it was implied.
He was also an avoidant. But I assume it’s because he thought human connection was about as valuable as a screen door on a submarine.
I guess what I’m trying to say is… who you date/marry/have relations with will shape your attachment style. You are anxious and they are healthy? You’ll be less anxious. Two avoidants? Platonic roommates but probably content in their lack of connection (I call that pizza and sex relationships. No depth). Two anxious? Either perfect game of chase or comic book killing spree villains (I love you, Mallory)… not sure.
It’s that anxious/avoidant thing that is oil and water.
I know there is disorganized attachment, too. That seems like the wild card. Nobody date them.
I guess I would just say this… because I’m such the authority… heal your childhood wounds, calm your anxiety, learn how to self soothe, build that self esteem up, learn how to self validate, learn how to be alone, be ready to walk away from a relationship that doesn’t serve you and then see what happens next. I believe the muscle that should really be exercised is walking away from things that don’t serve us instead of trying to make it fit.
If someone is showing you that they don’t have time for you, that they don’t really like you, that they can’t comfort you or even listen to you… you should probably walk away…
Then go meet someone who is securely attached. Stop doing the work for everyone.
Note: I am sarcastic. Nice to meet you. If this offended you… how can I be gentle about this… go have a sandwich.
