I stumbled across a tiktok of a marriage counselor that said 100% of women came in saying their husband was a narcissist and 100% of men come in saying their wives have borderline personality disorder.
I really sat with this. I have a theory that many men (like the one I married) fail to grow up. I mean come on, it’s no fun to grow up, I get it. Wouldn’t it be sweet if you could just argue or pout your way out of chores, rely on a strong woman to take care of you, someone to dote over you and let you out of EVERYTHING because you’re a special boy? “Not now MOM!” (“ok, sweet boy!”) It sounds great. And kids are selfish and have narcissistic tendencies naturally for survival. So maybe these husbands aren’t narcissists, they are just fighting to defend their desire to not have responsibilities, which is a narcissistic trait. Arguing with someone so you can stay comfortable knowing they’ll have to absorb the animosity or the work is definitely a narcissistic trait.
Then the women have to go skidding into their masculine and they become rigid, explosive nagging warriors who go into histrionic diatribes, because let’s face it, some guys need a parade to hear what you’re saying and that parade just keeps getting bigger and bigger. Plus if your husband has been warping and sabotaging your sense of safety or reality, she starts to doubt herself and has intense mood swings, panic attacks etc. If someone is emotionally abusing you and abandoning you, your reactions mysteriously are similar to BPD signs and symptoms.
His lack of response to any of it would be signs and symptoms that he could have narcissistic traits, too.
So, what I believe is going on here is the desire to stay carefree or be told what to do at any cost (Narcissist) vs. the desire to have order and reliability in the name of safety & when that doesn’t happen, kaboom (BPD).
Recipe for disaster with bullet points in the DSM for people to mislabel. How exciting.
Wouldn’t it be cool if you could just hire out being an adult and you could both stay kids? Mary Poppins for married folks. Mrs. Garrett and her bun keep the show running.
I remember how good it used to be. I was there… the girlfriend. Denny’s at 2am, Moons over My Hammy, sex in the park afterwards, being wild and free. Manic Pixie Dream Girl.
I get it, I really do. Dudes love this chick. She is happy and hyper sexual and so much fun and the biggie, she’s laid back. She’s not thinking about dirty dishes or her mortality.
Then we get married and everything changes. Wow, she is just so annoying! The buzz kill, the wet blanket. Where’s my fun Denny’s chick?
She had to make sure things didn’t go to shit. She had to protect your investments. She had a suspicious mole, a biopsy, someone died, she’s worried about YOU… life happened. She can no longer be your toy, she has become your life coach, caregiver and the taker on of stress.
Take all of that off her plate or just show up as a true, loving, present partner and maybe you’ll get the pixie back.
We feel alone. We feel unheard. We feel like your plaything. We feel like you don’t care about anything but your own comfort. We can see you fantasizing about us never talking again or eyeing that younger chick who isn’t strapped with YOUR responsibilities. It’s not funny, it’s not cute. If you aren’t up for the job, do the right thing and leave, seriously.
I know I’m generalizing, but I spent over a decade obsessing on marriage, sex and relationship forums and the patterns were there. There were outliers, sure, of course! But this seems to be a pattern.
She’s not that girl anymore. But my dude, life isn’t the same, either. She was forced to adapt and begged you to join her. And nobody wants to talk about it, nobody wants to have the hard conversations. They are a downer, they are boring, they make everything real. Everyone thinks it’ll just go away if you ignore it.
The hard truth is that it won’t. And the more you ignore it, the more she feels disrespected and relegated to being your mom and the moment resentment and the ick creeps in? Game over.
Or, you can ignore that life marches on, get yourself a nanny (for you, not the kids!) and then get yourself a younger chick who doesn’t care about your colonoscopy or your cholesterol. Like, at all. And she won’t cry at your Dad’s funeral or maybe she won’t go. But it’ll be exciting!
