Huge epiphany.
Two nights ago, I ordered food and went to wait in one of the curbside pick up spaces. The place was packed, parking was limited and there were cars moving all around us.
A woman had backed her SUV into the space next to me and her windows were all down.
She had a black Labrador in the back seat. He was hanging his head out the window. He was also wearing goggles that were one piece and they were mirrored, so they were very reflective. He looked like a cyborg pup.
I had my dog in the back seat. She was going crazy barking at this dog. His goggles scared her.
He was calm and just leaning out checking out the situation, but my dog. Ooohboy, barking and pacing and not happy.
But normally, she loves other dogs. She’s worn doggles before so I was trying to calm her down and tell her, look, it’s a buddy.
She calmed down a little, so I started to crack the back window so she could sniff. She started barking again.
The woman in the SUV glared at me, was shaking her head at me, she started to shove her Lab’s face back in the car so she could close the window.
I was laughing as I was trying to calm my normally very friendly dog down. I thought it was sort of comical that she was so upset by the goggles. And the Lab was totally unphased by everything. I thought the situation was actually kind of funny.
But the woman’s reaction next to me was very upsetting. I could tell she was irritated, she just wouldn’t stop glaring at me. I could tell she was saying things to her human passenger about me. She saw me as a Karen and she was judging every move I was making.
The worst part of this mess, I pulled on my dog’s fur to get her to listen to me and she yelped. I feel awful about that.
For the next two days I felt really bad about that situation. That I handled it poorly, that the woman saw me as a danger, as a bad citizen. That nobody knew what I knew… that my dog was actually very sweet and she just needed some reassurance to calm down. But I let the energy of the woman in the SUV affect me in a huge way. I can’t let go that I upset her. That I either wasn’t using my judgment correctly, that I didn’t see the situation correctly *or* that she was being unreasonable and I need to just let it go. I didn’t trust my judgement, any way you sliced it.
I wanted to go back and tell her everything I knew and reassure her that my dog was sweet, that I had the situation under control. That I thought her dog was adorable and I was smitten by his glasses.
I digress…
The point is, it triggered me. I wasn’t taught how to *be* when I was a kid. I wasn’t taught how to deal with humans, how to do much of anything and I had to figure it out on my own. So I didn’t have any confidence when I did run into situations because I had zero coaching. I would solve problems in my own creative ways and then I would be judged by other people that I handled it wrong, I didn’t use the tools the correct way, that I didn’t do it to their standards. Especially when I would go to my dad’s house. They had a completely different way of living, and they wanted me to observe and conform. And if I didn’t, they would mock me. They wouldn’t teach me, they would just let me do it the “wrong” way and then laugh at me.
I was always *so* sensitive and I was awkward. I was just asking to be judged and made fun of.
So, the woman at the restaurant getting irritated at me for not conforming to her societal view of how our dogs should have interacted… it really upset me. And I need to recognize all of that so it doesn’t trigger me anymore.
This is shadow work. Right here.
I need to tell the part of myself that is upset at SUV woman’s reactions. Maybe she was attacked by a golden retriever at some point, maybe she doesn’t trust anyone. Maybe my laughing triggered her. Maybe she was having a very difficult conversation at that moment. I should have respected her body language and kept the windows closed.
On the other side, I shouldn’t take this personally. I shouldn’t be offended. But I’m so upset that someone out there thinks I’m a Karen, I’m the worst, I put their dog in danger.
Someone taking my intentions and twisting them makes me feel like garbage.
And that is actually in the same vein as my one trigger, which is not being heard or seen.
This is just a different facet of it.
And as I marinate in this… more comes pouring out.
My mom used to accuse me of terrible things. And there was nothing I could do about it because what mother would say such awful things about their own daughter?? She actually accused me of wanting to murder her because she saw it in a movie, she was absolutely serious, too. Whenever there was a benefit of the doubt, she went to the negative side. She never saw my heart and to this day, I’m so upset about it. She has no idea who I am.
And when I was fourteen, my parents went back to court over money. My father and his wife accused me of stealing some expensive things. This was to prove that I had mental issues. Turns out their next door neighbor was the one who stole everything, but I never got an apology.
Because key adults said I was awful, I believed them. Maybe I was a devil baby or I did things in my sleep or I didn’t realize that my intentions were actually bad when I believed they were good. They said I did bad things therefore I must have done bad things. My reality be damned.
So it makes perfect sense that I would get so upset by someone assuming my intentions incorrectly. Whether they knew me well or not. I am very sensitive about being perceived as being evil, having malevolent reasons or being unkind. It hurts so deeply. I’m not that person.
All I can do is know my own heart. All I can do let it go. But if it has been a lifelong thing and if those who were supposed to love and protect you can’t even see your true self… it cuts deep. It’s a huge wound to heal.
And I was completely oblivious to this until this exact moment. Because I’m in a safe place to explore and process it now. You just saw me pull something apart in real time.
So, when you feel safe, when you feel ready to explore your triggers and your hurts… what are you finding? What is something you need to unravel? Because the more you dig, the more you heal… and you are free of it.
