I woke up this morning with the desire and intention to move on. I feel like the chapter of actively expressing my pain and abuse should close now. That open letter to my ex said everything I wanted to say with surprising clarity, gave me a level of closure I didn’t expect.
So, that ride is over.
I may still post journal entries about that time or refer to it, but I think I’ve pretty much accurately described how shitty it was. And for those of you who don’t believe emotional and sexual abuse can happen in a marriage? Or it’s my fault because I didn’t just pack a bag and leave decades ago? You are lucky to have the freedom and self confidence to feel that way.
So now I’m here. In limbo. Not knowing what’s next.
Am I still in nervous system shutdown, classic depression or is something else going on?
I used to feel that my entire purpose in life was to fill the role of wife, daughter, the friend who is a ray of sunshine etc. To make people happy, to make them comfortable, to be the comic relief, to understand them on a deep level, to be their therapist and be a happy concierge to their life while ignoring mine completely. And now that I don’t find joy and purpose in doing these things, I actually find them to be absolutely caustic, now what? What do I do? Who am I when I’m not constantly thinking of ways to make others feel good?
The obvious choice is “make yourself feel good!” But that honestly doesn’t make any sense to me. At all. I can’t wrap my head around it. That’s not me being a martyr, I honest to God don’t know how to actively do that, it feels completely foreign. But lately all I’ve wanted to do is organize, write, consume carbs, watch movies and avoid leaving my home at all costs. So maybe I am making myself feel good?
But purpose? ummm… does not compute anymore. I have NO idea what I want to do with my time. There are sparks and hints, but it isn’t as obvious as it was for the first 46 years. I honestly don’t feel the same way about any endeavor, any activity that I used to partake in.
I feel like a completely different person, and I am determined to meet her and get the scoop.
I have an appointment with a therapist who specializes in somatic healing. I asked the universe for a teacher and his information popped up almost immediately. I hope this is the right fit, I hope he will guide me through this moment of darkness. I will report back.
