Yesterday, 3 friends reached out to me to give me some love and support. In the way where they just said “I thought you would like this” and I felt seen and really thought about. One even said “I think you are wonderful”. It was simple, but it turned my day around completely. Yesterday was the first day in weeks that I didn’t take a nap. I got a lot done. I felt excited for my life. I am so so so grateful for yesterday.
I’m supposed to sign my separation agreement ASAP. My attorney isn’t really answering my questions, she’s rushing me and she dropped the ball on a few things. It’s almost like she’s on their side. I dropped $8700 up front for an all inclusive divorce experience and I wish I hadn’t. Of course this is going to suck, but when you feel like your advocate isn’t advocating, it just takes the wind completely out of your sails. And yes, I’ve spoken out, but at this point it’s too late unless I want to file a full blown lawsuit. Would I get more? Likely. But would I want to drag this out longer, give myself an ulcer, give him ammo to find new ways to hurt me (and let’s face it, he’d enjoy every minute of it)… no. I need to walk away.
My grandmother’s inheritance was our down payment on that house. It was a lot of money. I remember my ex’s dad coming into that house and looking at his son and saying “you’ve done really well for yourself, [son’s name].” Never acknowledging my contributions at all. I was never acknowledged. I was just the house elf. I was absolutely invisible and dismissed every day I was there. I accepted this reality for two fucking decades. I thought there would be some golden age where the tables would turn and he would recognize my efforts, my contributions. Nope. If anything, he just wanted more. And when I finally, FINALLY put my foot down and set up some boundaries, that man asked me to leave. So for those who said I allowed it or I needed to pick better or put the blame on me… A. I was treated SO much better as the girlfriend and things went to hell after we got married. How would I have known? B. I finally DID stand up for myself and it backfired. So stop blaming us. Stop saying we are the gatekeepers to absolutely every single thing that happens. Just stop.
Today would have been my grandmother’s 100th birthday. I feel her with me. I hope she can forgive me for co-mingling her money with his.
But today is better because my friends showed up for me yesterday just to say they were thinking of me and who I am. Not what I could do for them, not to guilt trip me into something, not to shame me for whatever. But they said, we like you as you are. That is all I need to thrive.
Funny how simple it is.
