I was consumed, my energy extracted, my goodness, attention and love was siphoned off like a scary Jim Henson film. I finally see it, and it’s beyond disturbing.
They get you to not trust yourself, move you away from your support system then slowly… they erode your sense of right and wrong, your sense of self, your desire to protect yourself, stand up for yourself… it’s the only move they really have, frankly. And that is getting you to doubt yourself. And you do it because you THINK they love you and maybe you are being too negative. Maybe they are right. Someone who loves me would never treat me this way, someone who loves me would do me a favor by pointing out that I’m being harsh or cynical or defensive. If I change for him, this is how I show him I love him. **Because I know he’d change for me if I asked** (Biggest eye roll right here.)
But in the end, multiple years later… the truth becomes so clear. It was all about control. Dominance. Disrespect. There was no love here. There was nothing for YOU. It was so this man could feel like he had power over you. It was so he could be free of any and all responsibility to you. It was so you would silence yourself. Change your values. Allow what you normally wouldn’t allow. It’s so slow, so insidious, it creeps over you until you are no longer yourself. At all. You are not even what he is.
You are what he WANTS you to be to serve him. Quietly, happily… always trying to do better. While he gets to opt out of better. He gets to avoid effort. He has made you into his little servant concubine. And society backs him up on this. Be a good wife, serve the man. Lose yourself. It’s just, it’s good, it’s the way it is. You’re a woman. You’re a nurturer. You are his back up… you aren’t living YOUR life. You are living HIS.
I’ve been reading an amazing book, Silencing the Self By Dana C. Jack. It’s a tough read and a slow read, but I find myself highlighting many passages and ideas.
Women are designed to connect. Men could, too, if they wanted to, but society and the patriarchy tells them not to. So, women take on the emotional labor in the relationship by reaching towards men, nurturing them, working hard to hold onto some sliver of a connection. Men continue to pull away and the women adapt. Usually by silencing themselves. By being a ghost, a mute, in their own home, in their own life. This leads to depression. The author connects the silent work we do, plus the silence itself and not expressing ourselves to depression. And then add in that the man wants to be physically intimate and it’s pure abuse. You become a married concubine, only kept on “staff” for sex and labor, but silent otherwise.
In my world, it was very clear that as a “wife” I was supposed to completely kill off anything I wanted and serve him. Or, I could pursue my own shit on my own time after he was taken care of. But silently, and do not bring it up to him. His world, his work, his needs are far more important.
And I noticed this in other romantic and platonic relationships, too. The men start to slowly ignore you when you talk about yourself and they move the conversation to themselves. And if you try to move the conversation back to yourself, they go silent or act annoyed or suddenly get another call or leave the room.
I’m sure it’s not “all men”, but 49 years of living has shown me that most of the men I have encountered do this. Women’s words, women’s opinions, women talking just doesn’t have the weight that a man’s does. You see it, I know you do. Women have also internalized this and we make ourselves smaller. Then we wonder why we are miserable.
We are told that we are less than. What we have to say is dumb. That we are only good for sex, for listening TO men and serving men. For showing men respect, adoration and admiration. But that’s a one-way valve, sister, do NOT expect him to admire you!
It’s the gutter ball in every relationship I’ve encountered. Slowly, all roads and all energy goes towards the man.
I don’t want that. (I know! I’m such a selfish a-hole!)
Unfortunately, I want an equal partnership. Where we build each other up, build our life together, see each other as equals, respect each other and he listens to me because I’m hilarious and smart. I have good ideas. I am rich with metaphor. He is happy to listen to me.
I know I know, slow down, I’m asking for the moon and stars here.
It’s not like I’m asking for matching outfits.
And that’s the thing. Men get all bent out of shape when women articulate what they want and they see it as CRAZY. Why?
I’ve given ugly dudes a chance, the nerds, the jock, the mama’s boy, the boyscout, the liberal photographer… I’ve been with several stereotypes and the common thread is that they all start pushing me into subservience. To wear, eat and be what they want me to be. Force me into a box. Like trying to push a cat into a filled bathtub. Slowly, forcefully… with purpose and glee. The cat utterly confused at what’s going on and forgetting that it’s a motherfucking cat with claws and teeth.
So, I stand at the crossroads of… do I want to date again? Ever?
I haven’t been on an actual date since… like 1999 or 2000. I never dated my husband. We always went dutch.
Frankly, a date? It doesn’t sound good. At all.
I wish I could just have sex, date and not get attached, but that’s not who I am. I had mindless, emotionless performative sex with my ex husband for 23 years and it totally fucked with me. I hate him for it. It was a complete betrayal to my body and I will never do that again. I hear men joke about the dick being good or she just wants that dick… no, no, we don’t. Most of us don’t, anyway. If we ever talked about your amazing unit, it was just because we wanted you to feel good about it *or* we were really into the sex in that moment. Day to day, 99.9% of the time, that dick doesn’t cross my mind. I’m not built that way. I much prefer someone who likes me over what they are packing. It’s an ego thing for you, not me.
Also, contrary to what men want to believe, being entered is violating. It’s an act of trust that y’all will never understand. It pisses me off how dismissive so many men are about it when we say it’s a big deal. Then they call us whores if we did it too many times. Men contradict themselves over and over again because, frankly, most men hate women. Or they think we are SO beneath them. So, they treat us however they want and blame us for defending ourselves or “overreacting”. Why can’t they just let us express ourselves and believe and respect what we say??? Why is that so fucking difficult????????
It’s impossible to have a relationship with someone who fundamentally doesn’t respect your gender, let alone you.
So, I’m moving along in my journey and this has been the question I’m really wrestling with. Get on dating apps, get “out” there and look, be open to meeting someone and open in general… or close myself off to the idea of it all? I’m not sure how to proceed. I’m not sure what I want yet. That probably means that I’m not ready, but talking about it and knowing what I want is a good first step.
In my heart of hearts, I wish I didn’t want a relationship. I wish being alone or having a menagerie of animals would be enough. I still want a partner and I sort of hate myself for that. And I can’t articulate WHY I want a partner, either. Only that I like emotional intimacy, I like loving someone, I like being loved, I like flirting, I like touching… I like building memories and sharing experiences But all that other shit…. uggghhhhhh.
The image is way too dramatic… I’ll probably change it later.
