So I woke up and just upon waking I got flooded with some information from the universe, my spirit guides? I don’t know. But it was a lot.
Who knows if this is real, but it left me crying and it’s all I could think about all day a few days ago.
I was told that my purpose was to feel, heal and release all the ancestral pain on my mother’s mother’s side. That I was going to be the first one to finally recognize it, feel it, heal it and remove it from our lineage (although, wouldn’t me not having kids be the stop gap?).
Since I’m the sensitive one that is painfully aware about everything, I took on the job of feeling it all, alchemizing it or something, and letting it all go. Cool. No wonder it sucked, it was the pain of many lifetimes?
In other words, I’m the first woman in my lineage to feel the pain of the other women, name it and break the cycle.
I was also told that I had completed my task. That I have healed said ancestral wounds and I don’t have to suffer to evolve anymore. The assignment is complete. I no longer have to prove myself to receive love and my belief that I need to be hungry for love constantly is now going to be removed from my being, from my “operating system”.
Why that specifically was mentioned doesn’t make sense.
I had a reoccurring dream for 15+ years that I am in a white room, laying in bed with “someone”. I never know who it was because it never really feels like anything but us downloading our experiences to each other. We hold each other, tell each other about our days, how life is going, how we are processing life etc. It’s pure emotional connection, intimacy and validation. Everything I have been desperate for, everything that is lacking in my marriage. This room kept showing up over and over and I never knew who the man was. And that dream stopped the day I reconnected with Jim. So, I thought the dream was the premonition that I would reconnect with Jim and have my awakening.
But yesterday, I was told that dream was about ME. I thought I craved shared emotional intimacy, reflection, co-regulation and shared vulnerability with a MAN, but that dream was about reconnecting with myself and being the whole version of myself. Instead of the person who was in survival mode, burying all thoughts and feelings and neglecting myself, I was supposed to show up and hold my own hand, my own heart, show up for me. It wasn’t about a man showing up for me, it was about me showing up for me.
This one… hmmm… “we had to send Jim as the impossible version of himself to get you out of there”. He was the perfect love, the perfect lure under the perfect storm to get me to even consider removing myself from my old life. My marriage was toxic and I was painfully loyal to my own detriment, and the universe sent everything the way it did to remove me from that situation. That’s why everything was SO intense… I needed to be removed with force. Jim was the perfect mirror to make me act.
Since this download, I’ve felt more at ease, more at peace.
I keep having these moments like, we are done with this, we’ll be removing this… bam, delete from cart.
And now this feature no longer serves you, too, so we’ll be removing that from your instinctual patterns… bam, control, ALT, DELETE.
Now, can I just make up my mind to be completely healed? Completely healthy? Completely put together without triggers, fears and those desperate needs that make you do dumb shit?
That would be nice.
