Days like today I miss the anxiety-ridden, codependent, insecure, asleep version of myself.
I was too busy chasing dopamine, approval and love to even be aware of anything else. Pure desperation for validation and belonging. I wasn’t even thinking about what I was doing to get it.
But now… now I see things in a bigger picture and it fucking sucks.
I can see how society is based on roles, a hierarchy that makes zero sense, expectations, distractions and shame. So much fucking shame.
I can see that my old relationships were so fucking shallow or they were rooted in a version of me that is dead. One that danced and gave to get approval. And now that isn’t something I want to do. And most people don’t like a reformed people pleaser… I just come off as a cold bitch in comparison now.
Once you see the truth about relationships, the codependent dance, the fake shit… it’s so isolating. I just don’t want to participate anymore.
I want to find others to talk about this. I want to talk about the dream that woke me up at 4:07am last night, I want to make sense of the time here when it’s stripped of these societal facades. What is this? Why did we automatically participate? How did you wake up? What are you doing to acclimate to your new normal? What is your passion now? I am so desperate to find the community that I would fit in with now and I fear that it doesn’t exist.
I jumped right in and ate up the LIE that getting married would elevate me as a woman. I dove headfirst into the hypergamous illusion that being a wife would give me stability, make me a better person or give me the highest status a woman can have. Instead, it was a suicidal expectation… lose all of myself to give into a man who didn’t give a fuck about me or where I would end up. I was his property, his employee – not an independent soul with a rich inner world with an actual life to live. My body wasn’t mine. AND, the saddest part of this? I wasn’t attracted to him. Women weren’t attracted to him. But I gave him a chance and loved his mind. I thought he would love me more and it would work out. A few older ladies told me that him loving me more was a good thing. But no, no… he never respected me and I was STUPID to give that fucker a chance.
And now I sit here, 25 years after dedicating myself to a man who didn’t see me AT ALL and just used me and I wonder what the 2nd half of my life could possibly bring. Do I even want it? Do I even want to put in an ounce of effort? Maybe hiding in my living room is my reward. Take it and shut up.
I’m working SO hard to understand. To grow up. To see reality. Radical acceptance. Stop sugarcoating shit. No more benefit of the doubt. See it for what it is and process it. Stop looking for outside validation. Stop wanting a man.
But I still want a partner and that makes me hate myself.
Sure, I’m figuring out who I can trust. Sure, I’m not chasing validation and societal belonging… but the vast number of dudes out there are liars. They don’t know how to value a woman, they only value other men. I’m so fucking angry that I even want a relationship with a man. I definitely have moments where I believe having a partner, flirting, afternoon sex sounds so fucking amazing… but I don’t trust that I can find a man who would give two fucks about me after being tricked so many times. How would I know he genuinely, authentically loves ME and not my bits?
I’ve poured my heart into men who just abandon me without another thought. Zero love, accountability, respect or dignity extended to me.
Just selfishness, wanting to hide all the assets and put on a show for their male friends. Usually this was a result of me saying NO to something. As long as I’m a mindless sex puppet, I’m the love of his life. The moment I’m like, wait… do you think we could… change something? Bam, he throws me away or starts treating me poorly. Usually years in. It’s happened several times.
How do I screen for that???
In friendships, too… how can I trust, how can I know something is true connection? I’m petrified to even try. In the end, everyone wants something.
The old me did the dance and at least truly enjoyed each relationship for a year or two, a season… then spent the rest of the time begging that person to be who they used to be. Power and control. That’s all it was. They think they are better than me and then? Game over.
Anyway… Happy Easter! No annual ham for me. No annual meeting of my asshole family and someone is mad at me for something. Drama and ham. Ham and drama. I mean, I miss it a little bit, but that dance, that bullshit was 20 years of my life. And they LOVED to have drama in front of the extended family. Made up, woe is me, I’m a big victim drama. What a fucking waste of a damn good Honeybaked Ham.
