Several people have asked me how my awakening started or how they could get theirs to start. I’m not absolutely sure because mine was completely involuntary, but I can give you the pivotal moments that got mine moving,
I reached the end of my rope with my husband. I had just gone through my best friend dying, him being apathetic through it, him being combative and demanding his own needs be met while I was mourning and I just snapped. I realized that I was with someone who didn’t give two shits about me, really. I had gaslit myself for two decades into believing he was a good person, just misunderstood and I, I was the only one who knew his soul, the only one who saw his goodness. Nope. I made it all up.
So, I completely shut down as the “wife” character and I was on autopilot for a year. Meanwhile he was sulking and urging me to get my hormones checked so I would put out again.
Leading up to this, I was drinking a lot and it was getting worse. A glass of wine with dinner turned into two, turned into three…I was hiding flasks in my bathroom so I could deal with my marital duties. I fear I was turning into an alcoholic to tolerate my life.
One night after Christmas, I had an entire bottle of wine and fell asleep on the couch. I got violently ill with some mystery virus. Three days with an almost 104° temperature, not moving or hydrating and literally unconscious the entire time sparked the awakening. I have no idea what happened. Day four and I emerged completely healthy, like I was never sick, but my mind was changed. I was changed.
The first morning I was better, I stood on our deck and cried. Bawled. For 10 straight minutes. From joy, from gratitude. I felt like a completely different person. My soul had re-entered my being. She was telling me that I mattered, that I had wasted my life, but I could take it back. That I needed to see the reality, feel the reality. I wasn’t supposed to be here in misery. I wasn’t supposed to shrink, fade away, be someone’s pet or servant. I was supposed to live a rich life that I could be proud of. That life was for me. That I belonged and I had meaning, deep meaning. And I was loved.
For the next few months I would have to stop and cry in my car, cry in the grocery store… just cry. Happy tears. I was awake. I was aware. I was connected to God, source… whatever you want to call it. I felt like pure white light. It was tremendous. My little human brain and body could barely handle it. I believe I had a heart chakra awakening, a Kundalini Awakening. (I’ll write more about that later).
I started meditating, exercising, stopped overeating and completely stopped drinking. All at once. I lost 50lbs in 3 months, not the healthiest, but it was weight I had carried with me for 20 years. I was transforming and it felt effortless. It felt like destiny. Maybe it was mania. Maybe it was an early strain of Covid, maybe maybe maybe. I describe it two ways… one is like 30% of my brain was scooped out and replaced with pure consciousnesses and joy. The 2nd way… I felt like heaven sent back the energy of the people who I had lost and put them inside me. Super bizarre, I know… but that’s just how overwhelming and beautiful it was.
The overwhelming crying and joy subsided and I knew I needed to get to work. I would meditate religiously in the tub and I got to the point where I could talk to my Higher Self. We would meet in the woods, in a clearing. She was older, had a wonderful calm energy about her. Calm and so confident. Moving slowly and purposely. Always smiling. Always put together. I would sit with her and she would show me how to become her. To let things go. To not take things personally. To calm my mind, to stop over performing for anyone. To focus on gratitude, the present, what I could change. Let go of the rest. And the biggest… to stop talking so poorly to myself. To love myself.
That year, several major things happened:
- I was in a deep sleep and I woke up hugging myself and I was jolted awake saying “I love you” and meaning it. I loved her. I loved me. I cried and I meant it. I swept through all the stages of me in my life that I had ignored and dismissed. The little 5 year old that would rock herself to calm down, the teenager that got zero guidance, the young woman who gave her body to men who never deserved her… that sweet soul I had abandoned. I held her, apologized and truly felt love for myself. For the first time in my entire life.
- I had hope. I had hope that I could have an amazing life for me instead of pouring into someone else to give them a good life. I was learning how to pour energy into ME. It felt so incredibly selfish at first, but I knew I had to. Boundaries, grace and patience for myself followed.
- I read about 30 books on awakenings, love, reclaiming my passion, embracing my anger (for the first time in my life), recognizing the emotional abuse I suffered as a kid. I’ll put a reading list together with reviews to share this information.
- I got into therapy. EMDR anxiety managing therapy at first, then a kickass therapist entered my life who was like a no nonsense fairy godmother. The right people entered my life at the exact time I needed it. Trusting this process was part of it. Ask the Universe for the help and it will appear. It’s uncanny.
- I meditated nightly. It recalibrated my brain, it brought my peace, it brought me time with my Higher Self. It even introduced me to the Higher Selves of others. And one night, I became a huge vapor cloud, as big as a city… hovering over the planet. I had no form, I had no boundaries. I can’t even describe it. I was drifting through space, part of everything.
- I did an online Tony Robbins event, I participated in group meditation online. I was introduced to other authors like Joe Dispenza, Bob Proctor and other positive thinking teachers. I mixed and matched their philosophies to fit my needs.
- I started doing Shadow Work. I hired someone to walk through a shadow work session with me. I’ll describe that in another post.
- I walked 5-8 miles every day. I was in nature every day. The trees brought me so much peace. They were my dear friends.
- During this time I completely centered myself and ignored my husband. Frankly, I matched his energy. I wasn’t available for him anymore during the day, I didn’t put him on that pedestal anymore, I didn’t tolerate anything. He hated it while simultaneously telling me that I never did anything to show him love and that any and all of my efforts were just inherent to my nature. He said he didn’t have to be grateful for something that came naturally to me. So, I stopped doing whatever it is he said was forgettable and meaningless and he got super depressed. I stopped cleaning up after him and even only cleaned my half of the bathroom. He was crushed. The man that told me cleaning and cooking were my “thing” so he didn’t have to participate or even be grateful for it was now actively sulking that I wasn’t doing that invisible labor. If he would have just been honest with me and himself and showed me some fucking gratitude and help, I would have reconsidered every single move I made to exit that relationship. But no, he remained stubborn, immature and so completely self centered. Why would anyone who cared a little bit about themselves stay with someone like this??
- I poured myself into my work, my business and the work of rebuilding myself. I spent hours feeling the pain, the losses, reclaiming my body, my time, my life. Hours a day was a luxury, and I am aware of that. I am SO grateful for that. But I was able to pour so much energy into healing. Into discovering. Into reparenting myself. I was building me from scratch. With the unconditional love, acceptance, curiosity, encouragement and purpose that nobody gave me growing up. I went from feeling like a burden, a nuisance, a dumb girl, a fat girl, a person not worth her weight in carbon… to worthwhile and the time I was giving me was making up for the neglect I had encountered. It was priceless. I am so forever grateful for this time.
I spent about 18 months in this phase of discovery, rebuilding, studying, meditating and talking to my higher self. But then the harder work began. I was living on my own for the first time in my life, I had to make ends meet. My parents weren’t showing up for me, friends were scattering. I was alone and felt so abandoned, less than, scared and the attorney I had hired wasn’t communicating with me. I felt naive, stupid and back to square one. I gained some of the weight back. I felt like I was backsliding. I had entered my tower moment, my dark night of the soul. It was time to find more courage, courage I had never tapped into before. And find my strength. It took an incredible amount of that. The next chapter begins in the Wild West Section… this is where the chaos pushed me into a new phase.
