This is such a hard concept to grasp let alone convey. I thought it had something to do with chemistry or intense eye contact. Feeling physically connected somehow. Or it only comes out when you are really drunk, tired or sick. Impaired… no filters. Your guard is down and you open your heart. Most of us want to be seen and to feel connected and close to people, but it seems SO rare, so hard to come by.
I’ve heard intimacy described as: “into you I see”.
I read one of the best examples a few years ago…
A husband and wife are catching up on their day. The wife had driven to the next town to visit her elderly mother.
A. The non emotionally intimate conversation would go something like:
- Husband: How was your drive to Springfield?
- Wife: It was okay, it rained on the way there.
- Husband: Did you have a good visit with your mom?
- Wife: She hasn’t been eating well, I made sure to get her some groceries.
- Husband: Ok. Well, I’m glad you’re back safe. What’s for dinner?
B. An emotionally rich conversation with someone who is emotionally intimate would go something like:
- Husband: How was your drive to Springfield? I know you’ve been very anxious about seeing your Mom.
- Wife: I was nervous the whole way. She didn’t sound well on the phone at all and that’s all I could think about.
- Husband: You’ve talked about this before. Being scared about having to deal with our parents aging.
- Wife: I am very concerned about it. It’s been keeping me up at night.
- Husband: I know that, I’ve been worried about you. How did she look?
- Wife: She looked like she hadn’t been eating well, so I got her some groceries and made an appointment with her doctor.
- Husband: Do you think she needs anything else? What does your gut say?
- Wife: I think this is a good start. I may look into getting a caregiver to go in and check on her once a week.
- Husband: That’s good. I know that will make you feel better. You are doing all you can and handling this really well.
There are subtle differences. What did you notice?
Emotional intimacy involves deep, genuine connection characterized by vulnerability (stating that you’re worried about your mom), open communication (it’s keeping me up at night) and shared experiences (I know you’ve been up at night and I’m worried about you). Fostering a sense of closeness and understanding between two individuals.
To me, it’s what true partnership is supposed to look like. Carrying each others’ burdens, wanting to be there for each other and taking turns being the strong one.
Here are more examples of emotional intimacy:
- Sharing vulnerabilities: Openly discussing fears, insecurities and personal struggles
- Active listening: Paying undivided attention to your partner’s thoughts and feelings. Showing empathy and understanding.
- Expressing emotions: Communicating feelings honestly and openly, both positive and negative, without fear of judgement.
- Validating feelings: Acknowledging and accepting your partner’s emotions, even if you don’t agree with them.
- Supporting goals: Encouraging and supporting your partner’s aspirations and dreams.
- Spending quality time: engaging in activities that foster connection and closeness, such as shared hobbies, conversations or simply relaxing together,
- Showing affection: Expressing love and care through words, actions and physical touch.
- Laughing and having fun together: Sharing lighthearted moments and creating positive memories.
- Being present and attentive: Paying attention to your partner’s needs and concerns, both big and small.
- Trust and acceptance: Feeling safe and secure in the relationship, knowing that your partner will accept you for who you are.
So the bullet points seem like a Hallmark movie. Surface level and obvious. I really need to get to the heart of the concept, more like the husband and wife conversation above. More of that, please.
Let’s see… emotional intimacy is a deep feeling of connection, understanding and vulnerability between people. Characterized by the ability to openly share thoughts, feelings and needs. Fostering trust and a sense of safety. It’s being mindful of their needs, likes, dislikes and taking their personality, history and stories into consideration when talking to them. Knowing someone so well that you can say something like “oh, that trip sounds like something you wouldn’t like.” They thought about you, empathized with you, put themselves in your shoes and cared about you enough to put it all together. They didn’t think of themselves or their likes in that moment… they thought of YOU. It’s a very intimate showing of care, consideration and thoughtfulness.
Another way to look at it is comprehending someone else’s internal world. You understand them. You know them on a deeper level. You become an expert about them. You are turning towards this person in their undefended state. You get the privilege of seeing them in this state, you recognize this and honor it and sit with them in it.
You are known and you know them in their best and worst states. And this is rare.
Okay, here is another way to look at it. Heidi Priebe says this so well:
There are 3 levels of conversation:
- The informational level: We’re just talking about objective facts, things that are happening and we aren’t putting ourselves into the conversation. “What did you do today?” “I worked, went home and made soup.”
- The personal level: We start sharing our subjective feelings, emotions or thoughts about something. “What did you do today and how did you feel about it?” You start understanding this person since they are sharing more of their inner world. Most people live on this level. On this level the conversation would be a little more intimate… “I went to work, I had a presentation and I was nervous because I don’t get along with so and so. Then I went home and made soup from a new recipe I was excited to try, but I was disappointed because it wasn’t as good as her other recipes. But I got to go to bed early, which was great, because I’ve been so exhausted”.
- Relational level: This is where true intimacy lives. We talk about our direct experience with what is going on around us. It’s me telling you what it’s like to be me. You share your inner world in real time. You are vulnerable, you share the thoughts behind the words, you share the footnotes, the inner world, the mechanics of how you tick. You explain how you arrived at a thought or a decision, as small as it is. It’s being very very vulnerable in the moment. You’d answer what did you do today as a rich story “I went to work, was nervous about the presentation because I don’t get along with so and so then I came home to make soup from a new recipe. And I was nervous to make it because I want to be be a good cook. I want you to think I’m responsible and I’m a little embarrassed by telling you this and it makes me nervous to make eye contact with you right now”. You are sharing the things you NEVER share in mixed company with this person. The details, the thoughts behind the thoughts. And if they welcome this, want to hear it and enjoy it? It can be pure bliss.
So, if you get to #3, you get to know the person on a moment-to-moment experience, you get to be THAT vulnerable together, this is the pinnacle of emotional intimacy. Seeing into the nuts and bolts, pulleys and wires of this person’s brain. What being in their mind is like. Understanding what it is, in that moment to be that person through their subjective lens. And you WANT to be there.
I bet most of you just got uncomfortable reading that. It’s VERY hard to be this vulnerable with someone. They are holding your heart in their hands. They have the keys to your soul. You have to be so trusting, so naked. It’s not easy to get there. You need to build it, build trust, see that they want to hold space for you, that they are eager to be close to you, that they want to hear how you feel and it’s important to them.
This level of closeness is intoxicating. It makes physical intimacy feel a million times better, you feel safe, seen, loved and understood. And that is peak human experience really and truly.
If you’ve had these moments… you are very honestly one of the lucky ones. Please share your experience, I’d love to hear.
