True connection cannot happen if they don’t respect you or they think they are superior to you.
Think about that.
Why would you want to “get down on the level” of someone you don’t respect and really, truly want to look into their soul, hold their heart and have empathy for them?
You wouldn’t.
There is fear involved, conditioning, shame, disgust for this person. Being vulnerable is way too feminine and shameful, exposed.
But there is also the desire to subjugate, be superior to SOMEONE (anyone!) and get them to feel scared of you or defer to you. You might see this as respect. That subservience makes you a MAN or in control.
But it just sort of hit me today… You cannot have true love, true connection, true partnership or true emotional intimacy if that person sees you as less than, replaceable or disposable. It’s just impossible.
And the patriarchy and most religions teach men that women are to be led, owned, dominated. Women are the weaker, emotional ones, we’re here to look pretty, make things pretty and make babies. Nothing else. We are generic, replaceable objects. We aren’t here to be understood, listened to, studied or respected. We aren’t individuals, maybe not even full humans. We’re here to serve men, society… be the silent sidekick, a cog in the machine. He’s supposed to take the credit, he’s supposed to be the star of the show.
So when women ask for equality and respect, it’s not just that we want to operate forklifts and wear pants… it’s that we want to connect with men on a level that isn’t poisoned by this hierarchy. Being free to be fully intimate, emotionally and sexually, means that we feel respected, we feel safe, there is mutual trust. Our relationship is meaningful and fulfilling. That can only happen if we are equals.
And I’ve spent my entire life chasing meaning in relationships. Putting coins into a jukebox that was NEVER going to play my song.
I used to roll my eyes when people mentioned the patriarchy, too. I thought it didn’t exist. But I was also a good little subservient wife who believed that if I fulfilled my role well and very publicly, too. I believed that all the men saw me, the doting wife, as something to protect, something with value. I felt like I belonged in this married suburban collective bubble. I never felt this connection and belonging when I was single and NEVER when I was with my single Mom, we had zero sense of community. Feeling like I was part of the group, of wives and husbands and families… it felt really good, really safe. And I thought I would be rewarded for being a part of this world and sacrificing my individuality. I would get a wonderful friendship with my husband in our golden years, adventures, respect and deep gratitude for my sacrifices. But the truth is, none of that was going to happen. He still saw me as an appliance and got angry when I stopped being blindly subservient, quiet and selfless. He asked me to leave at the first sign of me showing up wanting to be valued.
And I could have gone back to being that “wife”. The mindless, doting, void of opinion, sex worker fembot that he wanted. I would have died being a domestic servant with nothing to show for it, my life never lived and nobody ever really knowing me beyond me having a nice rack and making a good Thanksgiving meal. Just generic brand wife?
Why would you be okay with that??
No man would be ok with that.
I had SUCH a hard time getting ChatGPT to make this image for me. I wanted the generic label on a tombstone that said “Wife – She made food, she had nice cans, that’s all I can remember”. But it kept telling me I was violating the regulations because it was “dark imagery”. So, I kept asking and it gave me a tombstone can. Very creative.
