I spent the bulk of my life curating my reality.
Meaning – I faked it out. I made it totally fake. I lived in a fantasy.
My childhood was so stressful, I never felt safe. I would frequently drift into daydreams or a fantasyland to make life more bearable.
I think I heard once that our reality is how we see the world, and I thought… so I can control this. I can make it better, more whimsical, safer and more enjoyable than it actually is. This is a super power! My mind will be like Disneyland and I will train myself to go there any time I’m bored, scared or uncomfortable.
Isn’t this how people who had holes drilled in their head reacted to life, too?
Joking.
Point is, I lived in rose-colored glasses town. Everyone was nicer, things were never as bad, people were always good, trustworthy and benevolent, they always had my best interests at heart… there was always a silver lining. Polyana-town. I’ve mentioned this before. It could be because I was incredibly sensitive, too (it feels like a curse, frankly).
But in order to heal. In order to accept that I was abused, that I was parentified, that I had PTSD and coping mechanisms that came on board (panic attacks, stress reactions etc) that needed to be addressed… I had to accept reality.
I felt that I had to let go of all my little friends and the strength that was me being able to disassociate.
And when the curtain was pulled back, it was very, VERY traumatic. Reality is scary, everyone sucks and it feels like there is a snake in every toilet.
You know what I mean. I had to adjust. I had to accept. I had to make friends with the bad things that I had hid for so long. It’s so hard to explain the process, but I had to let go of my conditioning (because people like that you see the cartoon cutesy good version of them), journal daily and validate yourself, mourn it and then finally accept it. It took me years to face it.
I’m hoping I can explain this a better way because… I’ve simplified it here. I need to dig through some old journal entries.
Here’s a more in-depth look at reality/rock bottom creeping in.
