Blog

I wasn’t going to talk about trauma anymore, but that squatter won’t leave. No, it’s not fun to stay here.

It’s like I’m straddling two worlds. My old life, which was all theatrics, performance art and telling myself daily that “this is what I should want!” and my new life which is… ummm… what is it??? Where is it?? Is it in the room with me??

I knew exactly what I wanted. I used to be the manifesting queen. I loved scheduling, goal setting, visualizing, writing out goals, the steps to the goals, putting little stickers around the goals. Each chore had a little icon, everything I did had a special color associated with it. Every goal, walk, event, moment of gratitude, 8oz glass of water, every accomplishment… put in my manifestation scheduler. I lived for it.

I watched The Secret a few times a year and would sit on the floor gluing pictures to my vision board as I watched it.

Now that I’m alone, now that I’m not living with my abuser, now that I’m not doing hours of labor for him every week, now that I’m not worried about him complaining about sex, or groping me when I’m doing said chores, or dealing with his spending, or dealing with his emotions, or repressing my sadness… it’s all gone. I have peace, my own mess, my own standards for living, my body is mine, my energy is mine. So I should be swimming in time to manifest, schedule and grow my business now, right?

In theory. But I’m completely shut down. I don’t want to see anyone, work on anything or plan anything. What used to bring me endless joy is collecting dust now.

Why?

Well, when your nervous system finally gets out of survival mode, you finally feel safe enough to collapse. In other words, when I was with my ex, I felt I couldn’t stop moving. I had to keep busy. I had to manifest, dream, plan, control and hope… HOPE for the future. HOPE to COPE. And apparently, I was coping with that shitty life by compartmentalizing things with stickers and colorful markers.

It’s like I was faking happiness. Wife cosplay.

I never had true security, but I had structure. I never had a partner share the burden of the household, but I had the illusion that everything was ok in my little planner. I was never loved, but I had a “marriage” in stock photo form. I was going through the motions, pretending that I was going somewhere, that I had something to look forward to. Always Polyanna, always thinking things were better than they were.

But I was trapped. I was in an emotional prison. My body was being used as pacifier for a man who could not regulate his emotions or feel masculine, like a macho man, without controlling me. I had the illusion of being important and valuable, but I was his possession. I was there for him to consume me. I was his prize for being a contributing member of society. What I wanted didn’t matter.

So, now I’m free. I’m untethered.

Freedom feels like grief at first. Freedom feels like disorientation. Freedom feels like falling apart.

And you have to ACCLIMATE to freedom. That sounds so odd!

And this is all a trauma response. It’s CPTSD. And I live here, dammit. I don’t want to, I want to get out of it… but I guess I’m supposed to feel some feelings, accept more reality and then I’ll be able to move on?

So, if you live in CPTSD land as I do, her are the signs that you are moving out of it and healing:

1. You pause before reacting – and choose differently.
   • That split second of space where you catch yourself mid-pattern and say “Wait, I don’t want this anymore.” That’s healing
2. Old Triggers still happen – but they don’t hijack you.
   • You may still feel the sting, but it’s more like: “Ouch, that hurts,” instead of “I’m falling apart and can’t breathe”. That’s emotional regulation, not numbing. That’s empowerment!
3. You stop trying to convince people of your worth.
   • You no longer shape shift to be palatable. You stop needing to be believed, understood or liked by everyone.
4. Your body starts whispering instead of screaming.
   • Less chronic pain
   • Less flare ups
   • Your nervous system is saying “Thank you for finally listening”.
5. You grieve what you never let yourself grieve.
   • Not just people but the years lost to people pleasing.
   • The woman you could’ve been if you hadn’t been surviving
   • The joy you faked, the safety you longed for.
   • What you could have done as part of an actual couple with a partner who actually supported you and cheered you on.
6. Peace becomes more familiar than chaos, stress and anxiety.
   • At first, peace feels uncomfortable, like you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop, or you have a target on your back. But then you notice:
     • The absence of their energy makes your shoulders drop and calms your stomach. You aren’t anticipating a problem walking through that door.
     • You can finally, FINALLY relax.
     • You can be yourself.
7. This one hasn’t resonated with me, yet, but I’ll still list it. You let love come in – Slowly, safely, on your terms.
   • Not because you need it to survive, but because you finally know that you don’t have to disappear inside of it.
   • You can receive love without losing yourself, without sacrificing everything you need and deserve.

You’re coming back… You’re not who you were, but you are more YOU than ever.

And I hope to get back out into the world, find my passion and my people but I guess I’m not quite ready yet. Currently, my people is my golden retriever. At this rate, I may just be a dog lady. I’m cool with that.