It actually didn’t happen, but it could have happened.
Several of the guys I dated wanted to marry me. If I wouldn’t have pumped the brakes so often I imagine I could have a few divorces under my belt by now. Things were SO good in the beginning, but then it all fell to shit. It’s like every single relationship was a one-hit wonder. (Never gonna give you up…)
This scenario occurred so frequently that it’s actually disturbing. Here’s the pattern:
He’s so super nice, affectionate, considerate, a gentleman, tuned into me and we have the best time. He communicates, remembers my favorite food, favorite flower, how I like to talk to my dog(s), my favorite 4th grade teacher’s name, my favorite pair of shoes. I respond to that because it’s awesome! Look how well we click, look how much we have in common, look how much we like each other! And I memorize him like crazy, too. Every mole, every giggle, his schedule, the way he swings a hammer. Butterflies, dopamine, oxytocin, norepinephrine city. Just chemicals squirting in your brain making you crazy in love… can’t get enough of this person, isn’t life amazing!
Talk of marriage. Looking at rings.
Then bam, he gets bored. He stops acting the way he did in the beginning. No more tap dancing. He becomes cold, withdrawn, acts like he doesn’t like me anymore. I point it out. Then I point it out about 40+ more times (because I’m hopeful that things will change). But they don’t. He’s still cold, withdrawn, acts like I’m SO ANNOYING now for asking for that love back. The intimacy suffers, the relationship suffers and then I finally break up with them because they are too chicken to do it (or maybe it’s a social experiment to see how far they can take me until I break).
Is this limited time only peacock dance a common phenomenon? This was 90% of my relationships. Other women I have talked to have confirmed that this is, indeed, a thing. The men would say no and then follow up with, “but why do women always want to change me?!?” Sir, she’s trying to get you back to who you were in the beginning.
It could be the dance of an avoidant with an anxious attachment style plus a trauma bond (insert other psycho babble here) but really and truly? I think it’s a peacock performance that is one night and one night only. He doesn’t really like you anymore and he wants to dance for some other chick.
So, how do we know if he likes us enough to give us nightly performances? Nobody taught me how to spot this, I was flying blind. My ex husband did shower me with attention at first but we didn’t have the fireworks, the butterflies, the love chemicals, the intensity the other relationships had. That is how I thought it could actually be love that could last, because that whirlwind never happened. He was my best friend. I truly thought ah ha! I’ve cracked the code! No peacocking! Zero chemistry! AND he didn’t propose for 7 years AND he started the proposal by saying “I thought maybe it was time to do this…” Red flags to some, a neutral oatmeal-colored flag to this person right here.
So what’s the secret? At this point, I think not getting married is the secret. Or knowing that relationships will probably have expiration dates and that’s that. Unless you can grow together, he ignores his conditioning and sees you as a full human, not a toy/servant… I don’t have the answer to that one.
Never gonna give, never gonna give…
p.s… the image is called “limited engagement cock”. He needs sparkles.
