My old self is basically dead, but my new self isn’t ready for prime time.
There’s an uncertainty, ambiguous neutrality, a lack of energy… a fog that I can’t explain. I feel like I’m tied to a chair in the waiting room, in limbo. Not sure at all how to move on.
I’ve definitely separated from my old life, my old self, but I have not transitioned or incorporated the new self.
There is no predictability here, I don’t feel safe, nobody in my life feels safe anymore. Even the predictability of emotional abuse feels safer than whatever this is. This is a totally alien landscape.
No wonder I’ve been binge watching alien and apocalypse survival movies.
It’s in this space that I’m supposed to have radical self acceptance, self realization. It’s characterized by a withdrawal from society, a rejection of my old ways of being. I’m breaking down my old self completely. It’s the dark phase of the Dark Night of the Soul (which I don’t fully understand, but here I am living it).
This is where my meaning and purpose are supposed to jump out of the shadows and make themselves known. I do have this sensation, and I’ve had it before, that a large portion of my soul has been scooped out of me and replaced with something else. I feel like 20% of “me” and 80% someone else at this point. Like I have a brand new conjoined twin who is on board and ready to party. But she is… very different and she’s changing my thoughts. I’m not sure how to BE with this new being attached to me.
Am I even ME anymore?
I feel like I’m taking two steps forward, one step back and it’s going to lead me to what? Can someone explain this? It feels like I’m heading off a cliff, truth be told.
From what I can gather, on the other side of this mess, I’m supposed to have a deeper sense of self, a renewed sense of purpose and a more profound connection to source/God/whathaveyou. I may be SUPER awake and all the old emotions and desires will not consume me like they did. Old programming falls away (check), more clarity emerges, an acceptance that things are more transient than we are comfortable with, and there’s a theme of surrender. Just let go.
This is starting to make so much sense. I’ll have a profound day of growth and accepting something painful, then a day that I can’t get out of bed. Then two days of neutrality and blah etc and so on. It’s not depression, it’s The Work.
I understand why I am resisting. I thought I liked who I was. But really, she no longer serves me, she got me through all that shit and I should be grateful, but I must grow up and become this new version of me. This has been incredibly traumatic. I’m scared I’ll lose my sense of wonder, of whimsy, my sense of humor, my ability to daydream and come up with the best fantasylands, I’ll lose my creativity and goofiness. I’m the most scared that I’ll lose that silly part of me and my ability to love SO deeply.
I have cut myself off from all my old friends, my family… everyone. Most people tell me to get on drugs, snap out of this, force myself to “fill in the blank” or want to drag me to their church. My mom blames my therapist for failing me. But the worst is that they don’t believe how much I’m hurting, how much he hurt me, just how profound this pain has been for me. Nobody has slowed down and cared enough to really see me. It is SO incredibly isolating and frankly, makes me sort of hate them. But, sitting at home, alone, expressing myself and consuming copious amounts of coffee seems to be the exact right thing to do. Because nobody gets this or they don’t care about me enough to get this, and I have to accept that. I’m sure I’ll forgive them and have gratitude that I am lucky enough to go through this rebirth… but right now, it’s just painful.
So, onward and upward. I’m realizing without a doubt that I’m on the right path. The right things are happening but the process has been SO slow and I’m realizing that it’s been slow because I haven’t been able to let go of the old versions of me and the things and people associated with her. But I’m getting there.
I’m terrified what lies on the other side of this, but it’s been a long time coming. I will take this leap of faith when it feels right. Almost there.
