When you’re awake enough to see it.
So I’m considering dating, the vehicle of said arrangement is yet to be determined.
Some days it sounds horrid, daunting, scary, life threatening even… and some days I imagine dancing in the kitchen with someone special, flirting like mad and I blush at the sheer idea of it.
But I’m not the most beautiful woman in the room. I’m colorful and curvy, boisterous, funny and expressive. I have a vivid presence that scares most men.
But I have to remind myself that I’ve launched into a new realm. I’m not competing in the same market as the surface level folks I used to mingle with. The ones I was desperate for acceptance from.
I’ve entered the soul market. It’s a different game, it’s richer, it’s about vibes, energy. I am allowed to turn the color all the way up, tell my stories, voice my joy and be ME. And I have a hard time accepting that this version of me would be irresistible to someone real, someone who has awakened.
So, on one hand my empathetic energy might attract more narcissistic characters, but I’m finally realizing that I am in the driver’s seat. And I want to choose based on connection, energy, authenticity and safety. And I will not settle until I get that… and someone who is a grade A flirting genius, because that is like… so fricking hot.
So… That might be my next adventure. I’m not quite ready.
The divorce will be official in T minus 6-8 weeks. Over 2 long years to get here plus 3 years of waking up to that shit show. 25 years total. Wow.
So, there’s that, there’s getting the Lexapro/sad weight off and there’s honing my skills at determining if someone is indeed, authentic and the right energy. Working on believing that I deserve what I want and again, not settling. Walking away from what does not serve me now.
This is a whole new world.
