Relationships take care and effort. They are like a garden. Many different kinds of plants, all needing different watering schedules, feeding schedules, pruning schedules, amounts of sunlight etc etc. Ongoing maintenance and attention.
A drainage ditch? Build it once and walk away. Some up front planning, then… work is done. Mission accomplished.
I’m not sure why so many people think relationships are like that drainage ditch. That relationship upkeep isn’t a thing.
You maintain your house, your car, yourself… why would you not do that in a relationship?
Would you let your car run out of oil and blame it for not asking you more sweetly to add oil?
It’s a partnership, a group project, two people looking out for each other. But somewhere along the line, one takes the job of maintaining the relationship while the other checks out due to entitlement, laziness or fear of vulnerability. One person is tending to the emotional needs of the other, managing the household, smoothing things over and being nurturing and expelling energy towards the other to make things good. She (it’s usually a she) is asking questions, reaching out, bringing up the hard stuff and trying to do repairs. She is the glue to keep the two of you a couple. She is the one keeping oil in the engine so things run smoothly.
But if the one putting in all the work gives up? It’s game over. You no longer have a relationship. I don’t know why this is so difficult to understand.
I get that two men in a friendship is SO easy. For example:
- Silence for long periods of time is expected.
- Very little communication is expected and encouraged.
- Details don’t exist in personal matters, only when describing a hockey play you think was dope.
- There’s no shame in being an absolute pig.
- You can forget their birthday or fail to notice if they have a gaping wound, as an example.
- Mood, what mood? We don’t mention that.
- Emotions don’t exist. Neither does menstruation.
- Selfish is the norm and encouraged.
- There is a silent pecking order, but sometimes it rotates.
- There is never hard feelings.
But an intimate, sex-based partnership where two lives come together to merge into one? (for lack of a better metaphor.) You have assets in the form of a house, retirement. Assets in the form of people in your extended families. She can get pregnant by being with you. She needs to know she can trust you. And trust takes emotional intimacy (understanding what is going on in your mind) to be able to truly trust you. If a woman is murdered, it’s usually her partner and nobody ever sees it coming. She just wants to KNOW you and feel SAFE with you. It’s not that difficult. It’s not that hard.
Stability means knowing your partner isn’t going to jump ship or check out when things get hard. My ex totally flipped out and went all 10 year old boy when things went to shit. If I would have known that while we were dating, I would have NEVER married him. I had to become the man, I had to hold it together, I was NEVER allowed to be weak or vulnerable because he was doing enough weakness for the both of us and then some. It was horrible to have so much weight on my shoulders. I was HIS scaffolding and it sucked. Nobody was there for me. It fucking sucked.
Safety is what makes connection possible. Safety, communication and trust. And this is the bedrock of intimacy. Want that crazy good, free, beautiful sex that you always bitch about not getting? You MUST create this environment for the sex to happen. Fuck you, it’s not optional. Stop complaining about it, stop blaming her… just learn how to communicate and learn empathy.
Without this depth, without things being stable, without this knowing your partner well, without this connection, without being able to MOVE through conflict (instead of going silent, you coward), there is no relationship. You have a dude-ship. Go marry your dude bro. If that’s what you want… no talking, no effort, sex without any communication, no chance of babies… please marry your buddy.
Because the trust gives you room to breathe, room to be, room to enjoy each other. I am who I say I am, you are who you say you are… let’s have wild sex all weekend since we’ve taken care of everything and I think you are a wonderful man for working on this garden with me.
And you should be FUCKING JAZZED that a woman wants to know you that well. And love you despite it. Have some gratitude that she WANTS you. (God, this makes me so irritated).
I was told by two men that relationships should be EASY and effortless. That if it’s hard, then it’s wrong.
I mean, I somehow get it, but often “easy” looks like neglect. What it’s saying to me is “I don’t want to be held accountable for your needs”.
Love is something you show up for, not something you fall into. I know they wanted low maintenance, easy, automatic and the work is front loaded, but the kicker here is… you expect HER to do the work. And she can’t do it forever. And she’s going to give up. And that’s not her being disloyal, it’s her being human. She deserves to have someone who wants to build WITH her, not have her do all the heavy lifting.
If she gave you the same low effort you gave her, there would BE NO RELATIONSHIP.
I found this out the easy way. I checked out of my marriage in 2019. I said, fine, if he doesn’t want to show up for me in any capacity, white flag, I give up. I’m matching that energy and only doing the bare minimum. He was livid. He had to go on Prozac. He told me I was cold and uncaring. But the truth was, I was just matching his energy, his effort, matching EXACTLY what he put into the marriage. I was told it was manipulation… but is it, really? He wasn’t giving me any effort… why the fuck should I be putting in all the effort and getting zero in return? Zero respect, zero help, zero communication, zero kindness… zero zero zero. I gave it 20 years at that point. I put in my hours.
So, I’m done with the ditch diggers.
I’m off to find my gardener… so we can make each other happy equally.
