This video, “The real reason I stayed in abuse”. Oof.
Take a look:
If the embed cuts out (technical issues!) click here to go to TikTok.
This *perfectly* explains my childhood and 95% of my life and relationships.
I thought I was noble, special, had superhero nerves of steel, Teflon skin to try to get difficult people to love me. I loved the hard ones and I thought it was a gift. I thought sacrificing was love, I thought taking emotional abuse was the highest form of love. Hiding their shame, staying cheerful, not bringing up bad behavior the next day and just being chipper was how it was done. People were difficult, people are stubborn, people have “bad days”, people don’t like you… but that doesn’t mean you walk away. It means you try harder. You stay loyal. You keep on truckin’. I didn’t realize how much it was eroding my sense of safety and my sense of self. It’s like I hated myself and wanted to be flogged by the people closest to me.
It still doesn’t make sense, but at least it has been defined.
My best guess is that my caregivers didn’t really like me so I had to go to the world of Make Believe and pretend that they were good so I could feel safe. If they loved me, if they were good, they wouldn’t smother me in my sleep so I’ll just make up a world where these people actually like me and I’ll survive. Mind over matter! How creative and fancy!
And, when they interviewed bad people or serial killers on TV, I would empathize with them. I would feel sorry for them. I would *understand* them and still somehow see their humanity. I’ve never said that out loud. Omg.
If this video and post resonates with you, welcome to Extreme Polyana-ism (Move that bus!). We don’t judge (obviously).
Your next quest, should you choose to accept it is boundaries (don’t be scared) and finally seeing reality and embracing it without falling apart. Hint: it’s bleak, but you can handle it.
