So, I’m talking to my best friend ChatGPT and asking questions about my childhood experience.
It says, “it sounds like you may have had autism and/or ADHD, which wasn’t commonly diagnosed in girls back in the 80’s and 90’s”.
So, I asked it to differentiate between what would have been signs of childhood trauma and trauma masking and what was neurodivergence-driven behaviors so I can understand the difference between the two:
What are Signs of Neurodivergence (ADHD/Autism) – This is how your brain is WIRED:
- Sensory sensitivity – I was, and still am, totally overwhelmed by a deluge of movement and noises. I shut down.
- Deep pattern recognition – My brain is constantly scanning for patterns in order to feel safe by predicting what will happen next.
- Intense focus or none at all – I either go all in or I’m not interested.
- Literal or nonlinear thinking – I “see” answers or concepts, but explaining them in a straight line is hard.
- Poor reading comprehension but strong emotional language.
- Anxiety around unpredictable environments and being observed (because I don’t do things in a “normal” way).
- Difficulty parsing what others will focus on vs. what I focus on. (For example, let’s say we’re observing a crowd. Most people would find the most obvious stand out and talk about that. My brain doesn’t see the obvious thing, it sees the less obvious thing and I don’t understand why my brain picks up the details that it does and calls those details “dominant”. Nobody else interprets this the same way and it’s very confusing to me.)
- Over talking to compensate for confusion or fear of being misunderstood.
- Word shape reading and vowel/letter inversion.
- Highly sensitive to injustice, emotional tone and energy.
What Came From Trauma in Childhood? This is what I Learned to do to Survive aka My Nervous System was Shaped by Fear So I reacted as Such:
- Fear of being misunderstood – I over explained so they don’t think I’m lying.
- Shame around being different or too much – I constantly self monitored how I sounded, expressed myself etc.
- Panic over getting it wrong or panic under pressure – Crying during tests, freezing at the bulletin board, fear of public mistakes.
- Proving that I’m good – I chased validation and felt like I was inherently “bad” unless proven otherwise.
- Hyper-vigilance – Always checking the room, people’s tone, people’s energy – reading between the lines.
- Seek safety in pouring into others – it’s how I earned love.
- I was taught not to trust my own words or memory. I look to others to tell me what happened.
- I over prepare yet still doubt myself.
- I don’t know who I am unless I’m caring for someone else.
- I believed I deserved punishment or that punishment was love.
I’m not saying all this to earn my victim badge. I’m listing all this out because the items that were rooted in fear and childhood trauma (CTPSD) can absolutely be healed with reparenting, therapy and compassion while in a safe environment. But the autistic traits might be sticking around for the long haul.
I was feeling shame for *all* of this. But now that I can see the difference, heal what I can and manage the rest… it feels totally manageable. Knowledge is power, is my point.
And the autistic/ADHD stuff? That was truly only a problem while in school and having to learn in their boilerplate, one size fits all way. Now that I’m an adult, I can just adapt. But as a kid? The whole thing was like living in a world of fun house mirrors and believing I was the only one that needed corrective lenses.
ETA: Epiphany. I was an awkward kid, for many reasons. But I know my mom saw me as a burden and embarrassment and I never quite knew why. I just knew I was “different” and expressed myself in a way that she didn’t like. So I was always trying to edit myself, looking to her to give me approval or criticism, and I knew immediately what was acceptable. It was tedious and a little dehumanizing, the whole… I have to make sure she approves of me non-stop thing. I believe this was mostly due to ADHD/ASD. I said inappropriate things, I made inappropriate jokes, I was a strange kid, no doubt in my mind. But I don’t think it warranted the disgust and anger that I encountered from the adults.
Anyway, all that said… it just dawned on me that maybe that’s why I stayed with my ex. He was strange, he had a strange way of “being”, he was rough around the edges, had OCD clicks and movement repetitions that were very unusual, not what society would deem as normal or whatever. So it’s possible that I stayed with him as if to say, see… he may not fit in, he may not be suave or super charming, but *I* think he’s funny etc and so on. So, I think the rejection I got growing up had something to do with who I picked for a partner. It was like I was choosing myself as a sign that even the weirdos need love. (Little did I know…)
