Women get so little credit for helping men advance, and I can’t understand why.
I was reading Napoleon Hill’s book from like 1783 (I think it was the 1940’s), Think and Grow Rich and he even said that Henry Ford credited his wife for several things. Including supporting him and having a good attitude. Henry Ford went so far as to say to men “If you don’t have a supportive wife, you may want to get another one”.
I mean, there are so many reasons to get a new wife…
I did SO MUCH invisible labor to support my ex husband. And that was just physical labor. I also twisted myself in emotional knots trying to stay happy, upbeat, fun and attentive. I regulated his emotions, talked him down, talked him up, helped him manage all sorts of shit. Agreed with him on shit I absolutely didn’t agree with. He never noticed.
He just thought that’s who I was. And he said he didn’t have to be thankful for who I was, that’s like thanking a beaver for building a dam!
In an astonishing twist of events, when I stopped doing these “silly intrinsic” (he used the word intrinsic, smart boy) things that he said came naturally to me, he got extremely depressed and said I didn’t care about him anymore. Even when I explained that all that I did was a CHOICE and this was how I chose to show love and support, he looked at me sideways. He believed sex was love. Nothing else.
So why the hell would I do another 12 hour Thanksgiving Meal extravaganza if he thought it was just fun for me and he didn’t have to be grateful?! Because I was just having so much damn intrinsic fun. Lord have mercy. Make it make sense.
I just imagine a Fisher Price plastic “Holly’s First Domestic Slave Set! Comes with Tiny Pink Benzedrine for PEP!”
Too dark?
I also dated a man who hated his job. Fully fucking hated it. The pain was palpable. So I encouraged him daily to consider doing what he loved. Start a business. Every single day I was that man’s biggest fan, cheering him on as he worked on his business after his 9-5. Then when he went full time on his business, it was incredible. He got SO much work that it instantly paid all his bills. And then he got busier and busier and finally he had no energy left for me. I was an afterthought, no longer important. No longer useful. His attention was not on me anymore.
And if you asked him, he would definitely credit me for helping him start that business and he appreciated my support… but he doesn’t have a clue how much energy, focus, planning and thinking ahead it took me to be that encouraging, hyper focused on him, his next move and how I could be helpful. It really took a lot of mental effort on my part. Maybe I just made it look that easy?
To me, relationships, the man I’m with… they are important and I made them important. It was a choice I made. I took time away from ME and I put countless hours of thought and energy into THEM because I cared so deeply. His happiness was important to me. The relationship thriving was important to me, bonding and building things together was important to me.
But apparently, it wasn’t important to them. I wasn’t important to them. Society agrees with this huge discrepancy in effort. Men deserve the attention and women do not. Men build tangible important things, and women care about feelings and intangible things. One is just more valued than the other. It sucks.
I gave these men the best parts of me. My optimism, my unrelenting belief in their potential, my fire, my patience, my emotional intelligence and my uncanny ability to know and say exactly what they needed to hear. My problem solving, my drive my resourcefulness… my ability to turn nothing into something. Totally devalued and thrown away.
I got NOTHING in return. Or I got something in the beginning and it tapered off to nothing at the end OR I was called a gold digger. I helped those guys get to where they are today and that was forgotten immediately.
Is it because men see women as stupid? Men forget quickly? They are used to taking the accolades and getting everyone else’s due praise? They believe that showing gratitude is a loss of control or power? They think they OWN the rights to anything their woman does? What is it???? Why do they truly believe that they don’t owe her anything for being a good partner, for being in the trenches with them, for believing in them?? Why are we discarded so easily?? Why do our feelings not matter after we give everything to them??
Both of these men (plus a few others I dated) didn’t want to listen to me when I needed something. Attention, love, to be heard, comforted, valued… thanked. They thought I was being ridiculous for begging to be seen. They thought I was difficult and annoying for needing to hear I was wanted, appreciated and important to them. After I poured and poured into their ego, into them… they couldn’t even give me a few atta girls in return. No support, no kudos, no encouragement. Just a blank stare with their hands out wanting more from me or their hands up telling me to go away.
Although I never got a direct answer, this is what I think these dudes were thinking towards the end:
- She’s so smitten, she loves doing this for me. She’ll do anything for me, and she’ll never leave.
- Let’s see how much I can neglect her until she snaps.
- I’m not that into her anymore, but she really is quite helpful. I’ll let her realize I don’t like her and she’ll leave on her own.
- If I thank her and make her feel good now, she’ll expect it forever.
- I already have her, I don’t need to put in any more effort. That’s stupid. I’m here, that’s enough.
- I’m just too busy to make a fuss over her, she’ll just have to get over it.
- If I show her gratitude and respect, that is emasculating. That will give her power over me. I can’t do that.
- My needs come first, I am the man. I have to make money and I am stressed. She’ll just have to figure it out. She’s not going anywhere.
- I’ll just keep her around until something better comes along. Especially now that I make more money (and have this nice house).
- Women are too needy and annoying. I wish she would just shut up and be happy on her own. Happiness is an inside job (the hypocrisy of this one is astounding)
Anyway… sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have a man support, encourage and blow smoke up my ass as much as I did for so long. Must feel amazing! I can only imagine how grateful I would be for that. And I mean grateful, if you know what I mean. Maybe someday I’ll experience this and some lucky guy will find out, too.
Maybe.
Because at this point, alone is sounding pretty great.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman.
Behind every unsuccessful woman, there is a man.
