The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein is supposed to be a beautiful story about unconditional love and generosity. I’m sure that’s how he intended it. or maybe it was a cautionary tale?
But I internalized that it was about self-erasure, exploitation and the destruction of self in the name of ‘being good’ and showing love. That you should never have boundaries. You are only as valuable as how much you sacrifice. And my Mom read it to me almost every night for a spell. I hated that book even then.
The tree gives everything: her apples, her branches, her trunk. She ends up a stump, emptied, drained and useless. This was presented to me as the ideal of love, that you give until there is nothing left.
But that isn’t love. It’s self sacrifice to the point of annihilation.
And the boy never stops taking! He is insatiable, he is ungrateful. He grows old, but never grows up. He doesn’t see or care what he has done to her. He shows no emotion.
It models a relationship where one person’s entire worth is in what they can give and the other’s is how much they can take without reflection.
And this mirrors real world trauma. The exact trauma I dealt with.
Many of us who grew up in dysfunctional, abusive or neglectful environments were trained to be the Giving Tree. Be selfless, be silent. Give even when it hurts. And if you protest? You’re selfish, bad and ungrateful. You are shamed into compliance.
This book is about codependency, abandonment wounds and emotional abuse – wrapped in simple language. Whether he meant it as a virtue (“turn the other cheek”) or a warning to not become a stump for anyone is still unknown.
Healthy love doesn’t ask you, it doesn’t even ASK YOU to become a stump. Healthy love is giving AND receiving. Unfortunately, I didn’t get that memo and I had an 80/20 give/take relationship with all the key people in my life. And I was applauded and praised for it. It was called loyalty, goodness and virtuous.
Healthy love has boundaries, it says I can share, but I will not destroy myself for you. And this is what I intend to do moving forward.
I hate this book.
