Making Sense of it All
From an early age, I was a chronic people pleaser and very codependent. I would accept the reality of who I was codependent of and ignore my own reality. My own instincts, needs, wants and what was best for me… I abandoned. I would orbit around the other person, obsess on figuring them out and do my best to make them happy, taken care of, heard and comfortable. It was the only thing that made me feel safe and in control. I truly believed that if that person wasn’t OK, I wasn’t OK. I realize that this specific character trait, trauma response, whatever it is, this is why I was unable to like myself, know myself, do what was in my own best interests and I certainly couldn’t put down boundaries. This lack of self is the biggest reason I was not taking charge of my own life. I felt that I did not have any value, I enjoyed centering others, maybe I enjoyed being a martyr and sacrificing myself. This was my own fault. I take full responsibility for this. I cannot blame anyone else for it. However, recognizing it has been an incredibly hard task, getting to this point has taken over 10 years. I truly believed self sacrifice made me a good person.
My Reality
Step one was finding my voice. Accepting my reality. I had been a supporting character in the lives of other people, but never the main character in my own life. So, I needed to radically accept where I was. Who I was. Be present in MY life. This felt impossible. I didn’t like who I was on my own. I didn’t trust my instincts, my decisions and I had no idea how to put myself first. But at the heart of it all was the fact that I didn’t *like* myself. So, the journey to find myself, trust myself and like myself begun. It felt completely selfish, indulgent and like a huge waste of time, but I did it anyway. This is where you start losing people. This is where you are told you are “cold”, “selfish”, “not like you used to be”. Pushing through these narratives was heart wrenching.
Telling my Story
Part of trusting and liking myself was finding my voice. I had adopted the voices of those I was latched on to. I didn’t think I had valid opinions, I did not feel intelligent, I didn’t expect anyone to want to hear what I had to say. But I got more comfortable being authentic. I showed up as me, not as the support staff. And it started to feel natural. Good, even. I posted videos on TikTok talking about my experiences and after a few of those videos had over a million views, I realized that others could relate to my story. We shared and lifted each other up in the comments. It was overwhelmingly cathartic. Not everyone will understand this, and they will stick with the idea that this is self indulgent trash, but… sharing my story has helped me and thousands of others. I will continue sharing until I believe otherwise.
Organizing my Thoughts
I kept a journal throughout my entire young adulthood and childhood. During my marriage of 16 years, I stopped. But after 2019, I filled up 20 books with my epiphanies, notes from my therapy, thoughts and research. None of it is linear, except for time. Putting it into a blog will make it easier to search, will organize my thoughts and it will help me distill down what messages have helped me the most so I can share them.
One Step at a Time
This journey has been 3 steps forward, 2 steps back for about 5 years. The fear of change, the ultimate fear of being rejected, abandoned, alone… it keeps you stuck where you are. Growing, maturing and changing is not easy work. It’s easy to stay the victim, still, stagnant. I gave myself grace to take that nap, to put off a chore, to say no to an event so I could recharge. You must give yourself time and space, this work isn’t easy.
Warnings…
I will probably curse a lot, talk about verbal abuse, talk about s*x and s*xual coersion. I will do my best to add trigger warnings to the tops of those posts. I built up an aversion and that became one of the top 3 problems in my marriage. The idea that I should give even when I didn’t want to started emerging in his frustration. This idea that I owed him because he married me… this was a huge pressure point that expedited my shutting down. I also spent a lot of time on the dead bedroom forum on Reddit, which was a disappointing eye opener most of the time. So, I will talk to this a lot.
Please Share
Another reason I am putting this together is so I can hear from you. What did you encounter? Where are you in your journey? What started your journey? How does it feel? I want to know and I want to engage. I may start posting tangential stories from y’all to get more conversations started. As my old life went sideways, as I realized that human connection and emotional connection were missing in my life, sharing became the cornerstone to my growth. So, I encourage others to do the same.
