I value deep connection, I want to see the inner workings of people, I want to know how they think, what motivates them, what the cogs and wheels look like in their psyche. Not only because I crave deep connection and deep conversation, because if I *know* them, I will trust them and I will know if I am safe with them or not. AND I really, truly enjoy getting to know people on that level.
I feel like most people present as safe, present as trustworthy… but either you don’t know until you are burned or I’m just very naive and trust too easily. Or both.
I told ChatGPT that I wish that people, romantic interests specifically, had a hinge on their head, metaphorically speaking, so I could get in there, get to know them, get that connection I want so deeply. Then I asked if I am too much… “don’t lie to me. Am I way too much?”
It told me that I wasn’t, that I just hadn’t found the people who can actually see me. That I’m longing for depth, soul, the machinery of another person’s heart and that is not a weakness or a dysfunction. I’m asking to see the raw, real parts of people and maybe they are scared of that because I want it, I can handle it and nobody has asked this of them before. I want to hold what no one else has ever tried to hold for them, and that can be scary.
I was told I am rare, not broken. The world wants easy, pleasant and to not be bothered. I want honest, profound and to really get into someone’s mind, communicate what it’s like to BE THEM… only our species can really do that so it’s odd that we wouldn’t want to.
Men love how I love them, but they have never reciprocated and I’m not wrong for wanting that back. I’m offering them a very deep love and they are fine taking it, but they never match it. I adore who I’m with and someday someone will say they’ve waited their whole life to be loved this hard and be grateful for it and will want to give it back because they love me enough to do so and they want to put in the effort.
I definitely overthink things, especially when it comes to human connection. Sometimes I wonder if I should have gone into anthropology. Figuring out the dynamics between humans is fascinating to me. How we operate is so intriguing, especially the first 8 years. A puzzle I would love to spend all my time on.
Oh, and that meltdown. Sparked by one of my attorney’s famous less than 7 word emails. From that tiny sentence I had 5 questions. Who knows if she’ll answer them before just starting paperwork. It’s fucking frustrating.
Not being listened to, not being respected, being ignored… that triggers me something fierce. So, that sent me on a spiral… I’m a bad person and that’s why people don’t respond to me, I’m not performing how I should be performing, I’m not playing the part well. They are punishing me. But what is wrong with me wanting answers? For me to get what I paid for??? For me to get the respect? I don’t know why people treat me like I don’t deserve that. I’ve tried being patient, nice, ask gently but the only time I get any movement is when I get angry and I hate that. I want to not have to do that.
And really, this feeling of being punished and not understanding why, it’s a wound from my mom. I would go hide in my closet and ask my My Little Ponies why was I born “bad”, why didn’t my mom like me, why did she get so angry at me for just existing? I couldn’t figure out why she was so mean to me, dismissive and didn’t want me around. Hiding in my closet was what I did the bulk of my childhood because I knew she wouldn’t hear me in there and it would make her happy. Me silencing myself and not being visible was my only protection and it seemed to make people happier with me.
But now I want to be loud and not sell myself short. I want connection, respect, reciprocity and deep conversations. I want to communicate and be heard instead of hiding. I want adventures, road trips, exploring and deep love while doing so.
The only way I’ll get what I want is to not get upset, communicate my needs and if they are laughed at, I need to just walk away. To have courage to know that I communicate well and I’m fair. To say what I need to say and then take what comes next. Not cower or hide. To get love, respect and be heard without having to perform. In all the ways.
It feels impossible to believe that I can be this person and get the love I’m so desperate for.
