The other morning, I had the lyrics to Message in a Bottle by The Police stuck in my head from the moment of waking.
Two things…
- Sting always shows up. He will always be there. Pay attention, Sting FINDS you, even if it’s the instrumental elevator version, it’s uncanny.
- The lyrics to this song are hauntingly accurate for me right now. (But apparently, the Police wrote about loneliness a lot, so maybe I could have grabbed any one of their songs.)
I’ve been waiting for someone to rescue me, even if that person is the better version of myself. I’ve been hurting and writing and trying to release these feelings, but I just can’t seem to get unstuck.
So, I’ve been wallowing in self pity, stuck in this place of not wanting to try anymore. 46 years of being let down by the key people in my life was my threshold, apparently. I had hope that thing could turn around every day of my life, but I’ve reached the end.
I’ll send an SOS to the world…
Last night my sweet neighbor slowly pulled me out of my shell. Like a feral cat living under your deck that you have to bribe with cheese.
She invited me to her house, put a glass of wine in my hand and then said, at 8pm, “let’s go out!” And we did. And we talked about things other than men, divorce and nihilism.
She pointed to a beer called The Jolly Recluse and said “that’s you!”
Ugh.
But it’s in these moments that I realize… I’m panicked because my life isn’t going the way I wanted it to. I had plans. I had blueprints. I was living in that life before it arrived and now it’s all gone. Every hope, dream and all the things I thought were a sure thing are gone. I feel discarded, like a loser, overwhelmed with the loss… and the weight of that is keeping me chained to my couch. I’ve been giving up because life is scary, people are scary and the pain has been unbearable. I don’t know who I am anymore, all the things that gave me joy no longer do. I had this all under control at one point and now? Pure fucking chaos.
AND… feeling like this is all unfair. That I was tasked with being the caretaker to my mom and ex for SO MANY YEARS and I have nothing to show for it. They never thanked me, not even once. I threw my life away and I’m so fucking angry about that.
It’s like I gave my kidney to someone who then tried to run me over with their car.
I’ve been obsessed with what is fair. And desperate to get love from my parents and love from a partner.
If I can let this shit go??
Maybe, just maybe… I can move on with my life.
I’m trying so desperately to emerge from this cloud, this fog. There are so many theories…. it’s classic depression, it’s the aftermath of decades of fight or flight, it’s the surrender before a huge awakening, it’s my brain rewiring from years of trauma, it’s pure exhaustion, it’s feeling safe for the first time in your life so you are crashing out….
At this point, I don’t care what it is… I just want it to be fucking over. (Without making it somebody else’s problem).
Walked out this morning, I don’t believe what I saw
A hundred billion bottles washed up on the shore
Seems I’m not alone in being alone
Hundred billion castaways looking for a home
