The year is 1989, I was 13. I have my very first boyfriend, well back then we called it “going around with”. He was an adorable strawberry blonde boy named Chris H. We barely talked. I suddenly started wearing makeup… frosted everything. And perfume, too… I think it was that Exclamation sinus flare up slurry.
A large group of us went on our very first group date. All the boys bought their dates shell bracelets from the nearby surf shop. Then we ended up at the movies. She’s Out of Control with Tony Danza. Still a classic.
We shared a coke and that was way too intimate for me.
At the end of the night Chris got a little fresh with me. I told him no and he wasn’t pleased.
I was so upset that I spent the next 48 hours playing Patience by Guns N’ Roses over and over again. It was a tape so you had to be patient while rewinding Patience to play Patience again. Not ironic at all.
I told my best friend, a Korean lesbian who played literally every sport at school, about my encounter. She went full big brother, and it was oddly very hot. I vividly remember sitting in class and turning to look out the window and it all happened in slow motion… my best friend smashed the shell bracelet and threw it at Chris H while telling him to stay away from me.
It was over. The entire relationship lasted about 7 days. My lesbian had fought for my honor and saved it, apparently. It would be literally 4 years until another boy at that my school asked me out. Maybe they thought I was gay… I wish!
There was another Chris I had talked to for a while on the phone, Chris K. He was my good friend’s boyfriend’s friend. We would 3 way call all the time (why did we do that?). He lived 20 minutes away, which in teenage toll call hell might as well have been on the moon.
Did you ever three way call as many people you could? I think we got up to 15 one time. I digress…
It twas the summer of 1990, We met up for a fun long day at Six Flags. I was wearing Wet Seal shorts with the long skinny belt that did the whoop de doo thing to make it look like it was tied in the front, a purple Bongo peasant crop top and Birkenstocks. I mean come on… isn’t that just the epitome! He was a complete gentleman. And that night, near the funnel cake stand, I had my first kiss.
I only saw Chris K one other time after that, but we remained friends for decades. Very sweet guy.
So, I guess I expected all the boys that came into my life to be as kind as Chris K. But the truth is, not many of them were kind or patient or respectful.
The experiences I had henceforth (sure, I’ll use that word), pretty much sucked. And the more kind and respectful he was and the more in love I was, the further away he lived. It was a curse.
Anywhooo… Patience came on today and I thought of that time in my life. I sang, I laughed, I whistled when I wasn’t laughing. I also thought about how I wish I wouldn’t have given 95% of the males in my life the time of day and I would have said NO more often. I still ask myself why I got involved with dudes that didn’t respect me… and why was it so clear with that Chris H dickhead? (Who has like 17 kids now and they are carbon copies… Facebook is way too easy). Why did my instincts kick in then, but not really again later?
If only my lesbian best friend would have stuck around to beat up the assholes or give me a ride to the moon to be with the nice boys.
(I had the BEST image to describe this, but ChatGPT is busy invading cyberdyne or something…)
